


how it's like to fall

by khrysallis



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, F/M, Genderbending, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2015-05-04
Packaged: 2018-03-29 00:21:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 34,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3875395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khrysallis/pseuds/khrysallis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(인간중독/Obsessed!AU) Yifan's life changed the moment he came across the Chinese doe-eyed beauty who had just moved in across the road. Both tied in marriage, both with duties to fulfill, but nothing can seem to stop Yifan from falling into a downward spiral with the name of Lu Han - even though it will cost him everything he had been fighting for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	how it's like to fall

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: (PLEASE TAKE THESE SERIOUSLY!) Infidelity, genderbend, grisly descriptions of murder, physical disabilities, mental illness, mentions of dubcon/noncon, physical and emotional abuse, heavy angst, character death. 
> 
> Written for geraldinedragon on the krishanthemums exchange.

"I propose a toast!" One of the men in the room, who evidently has had too much to drink, considering how flushed his face was at the moment, called out with his beer mug raised in his direction, and he forced a smile to acknowledge it. "To our brave and mighty leader, Colonel Wu Yifan! Without him, we might have died on that battlefield, and we'd be having a jolly gathering in hell instead!"  
  
A chorus of raucous whistling and cheers erupted in the room, and Yifan found himself getting dragged to stand by someone beside him. In any other situation, when his men were more sober, they would not have dared to pull such a bold stunt. But  _tonight_  – tonight they were celebrating, and all forms of decorum have gone to hell with their inebriation. Yifan laughed and gave in to their coaxing, pretending as though he had had enough to drink, even though he hadn't even reached the bottom of his first mug of beer .  
  
Grinning widely and shedding his usual uptight demeanour, coupled with a feigned tipsy sway for additional effect, Yifan gestured for them to quiet down for him to speak, thankful that they still had a shred of consciousness in them to follow his orders. "You're flattering me too much. Our victory is not my doing alone." He raised his own glass in a toast. "It is thanks to you, my capable men, that we have achieved victory in Vietnam. This celebration is as much for you as it is for me."  
  
It was all that was needed to get the celebratory party going, though Yifan had to force his liquor down in full view of his subordinates, citing he had to be a part of the celebration, and it wasn't decent if he weren't as smashed as they were.  
  
He was thankful they already had  _enough_  alcohol in them at that point of time, though. It didn't take much for them to spiral into a completely drunken state, and they were furiously making out with the escorts they had hired when Yifan looked next, acting as though they were the only ones in the room.  
  
Glancing around surreptitiously to ensure everyone was already too knocked out to care, Yifan exhaled and quickly slipped out of the room, leaving behind his subordinates who were in various states of undress, some already close to the point of being naked. His ears rang as he leaned against the side of the building, taking in deep breaths of the cooling night air when he finally managed to escape outside. The intense throbbing in his head died down to nothing more than a dull ache five minutes later, much to Yifan's gratefulness. At least the silence allowed him to think, Yifan mused as he lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply, feeling the last of his nerves settle as the nicotine took over his senses.  
  
It wasn't long before his guilt began gnawing at him, though, when he thought about his fallen comrades. His batallion might have won the skirmish in Vietnam, but many of his subordinates' lives were sacrificed in the process of achieving their victory. Even when he closed his eyes, he could see the ghosts of his fallen men, losing a limb or two as they crumbled to the ground from a landmine, asking Yifan to move on because their batallion needed their leader to steer them to victory, that one casualty or two from the lower-ranked officers didn't matter.  
  
Yifan swallowed against the invisible lump in his throat at the memory. What sort of leader survived longer than his subordinates in a battlefield? And what sort of leader would indulge in a celebration for their victory, when more than half his men were dead and were buried in shoddy makeshift graves in Vietnam, their bodies doomed to never be seen by their family members ever again?  
  
Yifan glanced back at his rowdy bunch of subordinates who were still drowning themselves in alcohol, and wondered if anyone else dreamt of the same things Yifan did. For tonight, though, Yifan thought his subordinates earned their right to celebrate, while he shouldered the rest of the burden on their behalf. It was only the proper thing to do, as their leader.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
He dreamt in various shades of red – mostly in the colour of blood.  
  
There was never a night when Yifan would find himself sleeping peacefully, his dreams mostly invaded by his memories of the battlefield, right from the very first man he had killed – with a bullet right through the eye. Each kill of his only grew more grosteque as time passed, when the desperation to keep living pulled him under and turned him into a cold-blooded, merciless killing machine. By the time he'd claimed his last life on the battlefield in Vietnam – by slicing the head clean off the neck of the opposing troop's commander with a machete in an ambush – Yifan didn't even blink when the man's blood had splattered across his face, painting it brilliant red and staining his olfactory senses with a distinct stench of rusted metal.  
  
Yifan remembered how annoyed he'd been from the mess, wiping the blood off with a discarded rag before taking his enemy's head with him, sticking it onto a stake in the middle of the enemy's camp as a warning before he'd left. The enemy troopers who had survived the ambush surrendered on the very next morning, their men's morale much too low for them to fight after the gruesome loss of their commander.  
  
Sometimes, Yifan dreamt about his own men. How some of them had their lower limbs blasted apart when they stepped on a well-hidden landmine, how they had to leave these men behind with only their torso and upper body remaining as they bled to death on the ground, very much conscious and in excruciating pain. Some of them died less tragically, with a bullet through their heart or their neck, severing their main blood vessels and ending them almost immediately. On most times though, it was supposed to be  _Yifan_  in their position, had his subordinates not insisted that they went to scout the vicinity before Yifan led them forth.  
  
Yifan always,  _always_  ended up dreaming of himself in their shoes. He had died and lived and died again countless times in his mind, to the point that he could no longer pick apart what was real and what was not. Both dreams and reality were equally hellish to him.   
  
That night – about a week after his return from the massacre in Vietnam – Yifan again found himself jolting awake from his sleep, his senses on an overdrive as he dreamt about the ambush. It wasn't until a while later that Yifan came to, and he was horrified when he found himself training his gun at Song Qian's – his  _wife_ 's – sleeping form.  
  
As quietly as he could in his panicked state, Yifan quickly walked out of the room with his gun in hand, eager to extract himself from Song Qian's immediate vicinity. Vietnam had turned him into a monster, one who would subconsciously hurt even his own wife when his primal instinct to survive kicked in.  
  
Yifan expertly removed the bullet cartridge and dismantled most of the gun to the best of his ability, before chucking the pieces into one of the drawers, slamming it shut so that it was out of his sight and far from his reach.  
  
He didn't want to hurt anyone else but himself with his recent nightmares. He wouldn't be able to live it down.  
  
  


\--

  
  
  
"It's getting worse these days. The dreams."  
  
Junmyeon stopped writing and placed his fountain pen on the tabletop with a soft clatter when Yifan finally spoke up, after having spent the last twenty minutes since he'd stepped into Junmyeon's office sitting in silence. Behind them, the grandfather clock continued to tick, filling the air with a constant, comfortable noise, allowing them ample time to think what should be said next.   
  
"Tell me about them. Are they still the same?" Junmyeon's voice was as neutral as ever, though the small frown he was now wearing betrayed him. Yifan didn't call Junmyeon out on it, though. He was more than thankful he had someone to listen to him – Song Qian would likely end up throwing up in his lap if he ever tried describing everything in detail. Keeping everything to himself couldn't possibly be healthy, either, he knew.  
  
And Yifan was already ill enough.  
  
"Yes, for the most part," Yifan affirmed, swallowing thickly when a slew of images came to mind and sent unpleasant chills down his spine. He fumbled around for his box of cigarettes and lit a stick, feeling himself calm down a little after one inhale. "But I nearly shot Song Qian in my sleep yesterday." And, as an afterthought, "I swear I have been taking my medications on time and in the correct dosage."  
  
Junmyeon's gaze on him when Yifan reopened his eyes was disapproving. It couldn't be the smoke bothering him; Junmyeon had been surrounded by men who smoked like chimneys for the later part of his existence, after all.  
  
"You should kick that habit of yours. It's only going to aggravate your anxiety." Junmyeon jutted his chin in the direction of the cancerous stick currently jammed in between Yifan's lips. Ah, so that was it.  
  
Yifan stubbed out the cigarette at once. Then lit another up. "I can't, Junmyeon. It's the only other way I have to cope with...  _things_."  
  
Junmyeon seemed as though he was about to launch into a lengthy  _I'm the qualified medical practitioner here_ discussion with Yifan, then aborted the thought. He probably remembered all the times he had argued with Yifan about it and failed. Yifan was a very stubborn man, after all.  
  
"Fine; I'll increase the dosage of your medications." Junmyeon finally relented, but paused in the middle of giving Yifan his prescription. "This is only a temporary measure, Yifan.  _Please_ , come back if you feel you are not getting any better, so that we can think of something else to help you with."  
  
"I will," Yifan promised as he took the prescription slip from Junmyeon, readying himself to leave. Then another thought came to mind. "Will you be joining us at the Officers' Ball this weekend, Junmyeon?" Yifan asked, even though he could already guess the answer. Junmyeon was as asocial as anyone could get.  _Spending my time with rowdy military personnel is not my cup of tea_ , he had told Yifan once.  
  
"I'm afraid not, Yifan. Promise me you will stay away from the alcohol, though. You know how it messes up with your drugs."  
  
"Sure," Yifan waved over his shoulder upon getting Junmyeon's response. Junmyeon didn't have to know that alcohol was something else Yifan couldn't really quit.  
  
  


\--

  
  
  
No matter how many times Yifan had taken part in these celebrations, he still wasn't used to the glitz and glamour which surrounded it – found it distasteful, even. Military officers were supposed to live a simple life, seeing as when they were trapped in a war zone, everything boiled down to the bare basics. Unfortunately, the higher they climbed the ranks, the easier it was for them to forget about the hardships they had to endure in the past.  
  
Yifan didn't blame them, though, not when all they seemed to do was to bark orders from where the enemies couldn't even see hide nor hair of them.  
  
He, on the other hand, had just returned from a life of being in constant fear that he could not make it out of that war-damned country alive, the memories accompanying it still vividly imprinted at the back of his eyelids. It was incredibly tasteless, these events, even if it was meant to celebrate another of their troop's wins in Vietnam.  
  
A celebration of success in war was also an indirect celebration of death, what with the amount of lives lost in the process of achieving victory – both the innocent and the not-so-innocent. That was what Yifan believed.   
  
Yifan gulped down the flute of champagne to wash away the acid taste on his tongue, and replaced the empty flute with another. Song Qian, whom Yifan had nearly forgotten was clinging onto his arm, tugged at him lightly at that.  
  
"You might want to slow down with your drinking," she tip-toed to whisper in his ear, lips brushing against its shell. Her perfume was intoxicating, and Yifan found himself successfully distracted from his morbid thoughts.  
  
"As you wish, my dear." He tightened his hold around Song Qian's waist and pulled her closer to him – a show of possession. As distracted as he was, Yifan wasn't oblivious to the way some of the higher-ranked officers were looking at his wife lasciviously. She was in a dress of velvet that evening, the darkness of magenta bringing out the beauty of her eyes and smile. Its design was modest, though it hugged her body in all the right places, accentuating curves which were usually hidden beneath looser sundresses.  
  
Song Qian was gorgeous, Yifan knew, but it didn't give them the right to forget that she was the daughter of their commander-in-chief.  
  
"Colonel Wu, sir–" Someone approached him and Song Qian just then, and he turned around to see someone of his height smiling back at him. Yifan raised an eyebrow, because he wasn't aware of anyone else on the camp who could rival Yifan in terms of height. This was someone new. "–good evening. I apologise for not introducing myself earlier, but I have been busy with the moving and all."  
  
"You are–?" Yifan enquired, smiling politely. He idly noted that this man was his subordinate, from the stars which decorated his shoulder.  
  
"Jung Yunho, sir. I am your new Lieutenant Colonel." The man with a chiseled appearance responded with a respectful bow, as was expected of a lower-ranked officer. "I look forward to working closely with you, sir. I have heard of a lot of great things about you and your heroism in Vietnam. And you too, Mrs Wu."  
  
It took Yifan a while before he recalled that indeed he had been told by Jonghyun he was to expect a new second-in-command joining him soon, seeing as his previous partner had sacrificed himself during the war in order to keep Yifan alive. Yifan swallowed hard at that thought and mustered the most genuine smile he could manage, hoping Yunho didn't notice the strain behind it. The last thing he wanted was for Yunho to misunderstand that his presence was not welcomed, when Yifan was in fact still mourning over the loss of his close friend.  
  
"Ah, yes–" He said as he shook Yunho's hand. "It is nice to finally meet you." Then, glancing around curiously, Yifan found himself asking, "Did you attend the ball alone?" It struck him as odd, because by the time one reached the ranks of a Lieutenant, an army officer was already likely to have been married, having survived enough wars to have a healthy sum of money in their possession to start a family, yet not nearly  _enough_  confidence that they'll be able to wait until after the next skirmish to find a partner. There was only so much that a comfort woman could do to satisfy their sexual cravings – they, for one, did not offer a sense of security, some normalcy that an army personnel yearned to go home to, if only to take their minds off the war.  
  
Yunho understood him perfectly, it seemed, for he smiled back in return before craning his neck in search of a person amidst the crowd. "I appreciate your concern, sir, but my wife has just gone to the restroom, and–" He cut himself off just then, smile growing wider as he welcomed someone with open arms. "–ah, speak of the devil. Colonel Wu, let me introduce you to my wife, Lu Han."  
  
At first, Yifan had been expecting to find someone plain-looking – the more beautiful women were usually married to the higher-ranked officers, mostly because of the promise of wealth and comfort in life everyone craved for in these war-torn days – but he was proved very,  _very_  wrong when he looked down and found a doe-eyed beauty smiling demurely back at him. At that particular moment, it was almost as though the world around him had stopped moving.  
  
Lu Han was in a beautiful and  _bold_  dress of powder blue silk that evening, its sleeves nonexistent and her back bare for everyone to see, sending imaginations going wild, if the sudden increase in attention being thrown in their direction was any indication of it. But Yifan could only stop and admire the elegant slope of her shoulder blades and the flawlessness of her fair skin, nothing more. It wouldn't be appropriate.  
  
But she struck him as a woman who knew of the beauty she possessed, and owned the courage to present it to the world. Her boldness was a rare gem in a society which pretended to be open to change, when it was extremely conservative in reality, and Yifan could already hear the beginnings of vicious gossip coming from the mouths of the other women.  
  
"My, she is lovely." It was Song Qian's exclamation which pulled Yifan back to present time, though Yifan felt relieved to note that his wife wasn't someone who'd get jealous of another's beauty this easily.  
  
"Indeed," Yifan concurred with a nod, pressing a brief, polite kiss to the back of her hand in greeting. The tiny shudder which wracked though Lu Han's body did not go unnoticed. "Rarely does a person aside from Qian command the attention of the entire room the moment she walks in."  
  
Yunho's wife inclined her head in thanks. "You are too kind with your words, Colonel. I am thoroughly flattered." The moment Lu Han's brilliant brown eyes cut up to look at Yifan through her beautiful long lashes, he could feel himself holding his breath, mesmerised. Lu Han was the image of practiced coyness – a right mix of shy and flirtatious, tempting and mysterious – but Yifan knew that there was a little more than that, swimming beneath her careful mask, no matter how well she had taken care to hide it.  
  
Yifan was intrigued.  
  
"Colonel Wu, I mean no offense to your lovely wife, but would you be interested in having Lu Han for a dance?" Yunho asked just then, shocking Yifan out of his trance-like state. It was almost as though Yunho could read his mind.  
  
The worst part was probably the fact that Yifan was tempted to take Yunho up on his offer, but he stopped himself short when he remembered his position, and Song Qian's identity as the commander-in-chief's daughter. Song Qian wasn't a person who'd mind, but still. He didn't need to invite more gossips than was necessary. Instead, Yifan took a nervous sip of his champagne and stepped backwards slightly, showing that he was declining Yunho's suggestion. "Thank you, but I simply must move on to talking to the rest of the officers, lest they think of me as arrogant. Please, do excuse Song Qian and I."  
  
Thankfully, the couple did not appear offended by the rejection. "Of course, sir. My wife and I hope that you will have a pleasant evening." Yunho bowed, and then they were on their way, mingling with the rest of the officers in attendance.  
  
Even then, the distance which separated them did not stop Yifan's gaze from wandering back to Lu Han time and again for the rest of the evening. What bothered him though, was how he seemed to always,  _always_  meet Lu Han's gaze at such times.  
  
Yifan failed to realise the beginnings of a small flame from that very moment on, or the dangers of playing with fire.  
  
  


\--

  
  
  
"They absolutely  _adore_  you, Yifan. This is great news." Song Qian gushed as her hands kneaded expertly at the sore muscles on his back, the way she knew he liked it. They were relaxing on the bed after cleaning themselves up, and Song Qian was currently straddling Yifan's waist, putting all her weight into her hands as they wrung the tension out of Yifan.  
  
"Really? How could you tell?" Yifan mumbled into the pillow, eyes closed in perfect bliss. Song Qian was older than him in terms of age, and that in itself had invited quite a number of malicious remarks, but Yifan had quashed them by showing that he could be the perfect match for Song Qian with his accomplishments. He honestly could not see what was wrong with it.  
  
The laughter which escaped Song Qian's lips was melodious, almost like a song. "Did you not see how they were all vying for your attention? They were all impressed with your achievements, and at such a young age, too."  
  
Admittedly, Yifan hadn't noticed that at all, not when a certain doe-eyed beauty had been commandeering his attention for the entire evening. Song Qian didn't have to know about that bit, though.  
  
Distracted, he didn't even realise that a simple "what does it matter?" had rolled off his tongue, until the weight which had been atop him suddenly disappeared.  
  
"This is not the time to be joking around, dear." Song Qian's scandalised face appeared next to him on the bed. "It will affect your chances at being promoted to Lieutenant General. Is that not what you have always yearned for?"  
  
"Yes, but–" Yifan started, and instantly realised that it was the wrong thing to say when Song Qian cupped his face and held his gaze, completely concerned about his apparently abnormal behaviour.  
  
"Is there something wrong?" Song Qian asked urgently, her eyes frantically searching his for answers.  
  
Yifan shook his head and held her hands, hoping his gaze was strong enough to reassure her. "I am merely exhausted, is all. You are worrying too much, Qian."  
  
"But–" Song Qian started again, only to be silenced when Yifan surged forward to claim her lips with a kiss. It happened so suddenly that all she could muster was a soft whimper, before she completely melted in his arms.  
  
Out of the corner of his eye, though, Yifan took notice of the calendar hanging on the wall, and noticed the red circle around the day's date. It was no secret that Song Qian yearned greatly to be a mother, and had even asked Junmyeon for advice on getting pregnant – which eventually led her into plotting the dates for when she was supposedly most fertile on the calendar, all for the sake of increasing her chances at conceiving. It was the only time they ever had sex these days.  
  
Yifan gently lowered Song Qian onto the bed, pulling her negligee off in one swift motion, his hands running over the planes of her back as his lips slid down her torso. Song Qian arched into his mouth when he mouthed at the swell of her breast, tongue flicking teasingly at her already-hard nipple. When Song Qian's legs came up to wrap around Yifan's waist and to pull him in, he could feel the dampness of her lace panties, which was already soaked through. Sometimes, Yifan would think that Song Qian was too easily arousable; it didn't take much for him to rile her up, and he wasn't even close to being hard yet.  
  
As usual, Yifan reached into his pants and wrapped his hand around his cock, fisting himself as he continued to mouth at Song Qian's ample breasts. This time, though, Yifan's mind was invaded by a single pervasive thought – of Lu Han looking up at him through her lashes, the way she had done at the Officers' Ball. Yifan stuttered a little, because it was completely unexpected, but he picked himself back up quick enough for Song Qian to not have realised anything at all.  
  
It was difficult, but Yifan managed to keep his mind from wandering, focusing instead on his wife who was moaning wantonly for him by the time he'd gotten himself to full hardness. He raised Song Qian's legs and hooked them over his shoulder as he pushed his length into her, and began thrusting methodically into her, knowing the precise angle he needed to hit her sweet spot. She came with his name on her lips moments later, and the clenching of her walls around his cock had him spilling over, too.  
  
Once they had gotten over their orgasm high, Song Qian immediately crawled under the covers and went to sleep after cleaning herself up, leaving Yifan to his own thoughts in the darkness of the room. No breathtaking kisses to seal the deed, no affectionate cuddling – nothing.  
  
He couldn't even remember the last time he had felt passion towards Song Qian. Perhaps the war had changed him; Yifan couldn't be certain. But after leaving and coming back for the second time now, Yifan knew one thing was for sure – the affection he had once held for Song Qian was a dying flame. He was holding on because he had to, because divorces were unheard of those days, because he had not fulfilled Song Qian's wishes of becoming a mother, owing to the time he had spent being abroad, fighting a war for his country.  
  
Frighteningly, Yifan couldn't fathom just how much longer he could hold on to this glaringly dysfunctional relationship, where one was sacrificing another's happiness for their own.  
  
They were supposed to walk together on this path of life, but Yifan could not stop himself from feeling that they were slowly drifting apart.  
  
  


\--

  
  
  
The room was too silent, even though there were two of them seated on the bed, backs facing each other. Lu Han, who had the mirror on her side, could see the many war scars which littered her husband's back, as well as her front obtained through less than savoury manners, and her own reflection made her sick.  
  
"You did well today, Lu Han. Everyone could not take their eyes off you. Especially Colonel Wu." Yunho was the first to speak up that evening, shattering the almost-deafening silence which had settled in between them. Lu Han was suddenly engulfed with so much self-loathing that she wished he hadn't said anything at all. Maybe then she would have been able to pretend that her life wasn't such a huge joke.  
  
Lu Han  _knew_  Yunho was up to something – she could recognise that glint in his eyes when he turned to look at her, his smirk clearly reflected in the mirror. She lowered her head immediately, not wanting that image to be the last thing she had to see before she went to bed. She drew her sleeping robe shut around her, unable to bear the thought of yet another man running his hands across her bare skin. She felt plenty disgusting as it was.  
  
"What do you intend to say, Yunho?" Lu Han snapped coldly, keeping her voice as steady as she could. She wasn't about to give Yunho the satisfaction of knowing that he was destroying her sanity, bit by slow bit.  
  
Yunho's smirk grew wider at her question. "Should you not know better by now, Lu Han?" It isn't the first time you're doing this. Do not feign innocence in my presence."  
  
Lu Han held her head high, preserving what was left of her dignity. "I do not promise success."  
  
"I am not looking for your promises, Lu Han." Yunho seethed this time, probably angry at the thought that she might not give her all. Could he blame her? Lu Han was getting exhausted of this life. "I absolutely  _cannot_  accept it if you failed."  
  
With a huff, Yunho flicked the lights off and threw the covers over himself, leaving Lu Han to deal with her own thoughts in the darkness. Lu Han had told herself time and again that she would not bend to his will, nor will she show her weakness to anyone else in this world, but still it did not stop Lu Han from falling asleep with drying tear tracks on her cheeks. She felt completely filthy, even though nothing has happened yet – she didn't think she'd stop feeling that way for the rest of her life.  
  
  


\--

  
  
  
Yifan rolled his eyes for the umpteenth time from behind his shades when the ladies surrounding him giggled again at something which he wasn't bothered to listen in on, almost bored out of his mind. A crumpled cigarette box laid forgotten at the bottom of his uniform's pocket, another box in his hand already half-gone by now. Junmyeon would not be pleased if he ever found out that Yifan had made it through two packs of cigarettes before the clock had even struck twelve-hundred-hours.  
  
As it was, Yifan could already feel the beginnings of a throbbing ache in his head from too much nicotine, but still he inhaled deeply around the stick between his lips, relishing in the way the cancerous smoke filled up his lungs. At least it kept his attention away from the mindless chatter happening around him.  
  
Yifan hadn't wanted to come, preferring to instead stay at home so that he could catch up on his sleep, after having his night terrorised by nightmares – his usual ones of murder and blood and pained screams. Song Qian would have none of that, though, cheerfully insisting that Yifan joined her at the new hospital's officiating ceremony. Song Qian was the president of the Officers' Wives Club, hence her need to flock around these social events.  
  
"It will do a lot of good to raise your image, if your face was shown on the papers. There will be a number of reporters there, you know. At least show them you care about the things happening around you." Song Qian had told him as she put on her crystal earrings before the mirror. She'd been trying to boost his image in the eyes of others – as if Yifan wasn't already popular enough in the ranks of the army, with his success in Vietnam and his marriage to Song Qian – all in the hopes of raising his chances at being promoted to Lieutenant General.  
  
It wasn't as though Yifan didn't appreciate her efforts, though. The faster Yifan rose through the ranks, the sooner he'd be spared from being sent to another warzone, and, hopefully, Yifan would be able to escape the ghosts of his memories which would return to haunt him night after night, without adding more terrifying images to the already huge collection in his mind. Yifan did; but he wished Song Qian would look at him and  _understand_  his circumstances for once.   
  
Besides, Yifan didn't want to be viewed as the person who gained popularity through his wife's social standing.   
  
He was dragged back to present time when Song Qian suddenly wrapped her arms around his and started leading him towards the main entrance of the hospital, proudly showing her uniform-clad husband off to the rest of the women who were similarly dressed in nurses' outfits, as though they didn't already know who Yifan was. Yifan good-naturedly played along, though, forcing a smile as he greeted the others. It was never a good idea to make Song Qian cross, for her father's wrath would fall upon his head faster than Yifan would be able to snap his fingers. At this point of time, it wasn't a smart move to pull. Yifan knew that much.  
  
"Look at you," Song Qian preened as she fixed Yifan's already-perfect clothes, grinning widely at her trophy husband while the other ladies gushed over how sweet they were. "You're the talk of the town!"  
  
Yifan smiled at her. "It's all thanks to you, Qian."   
  
She definitely did not sense the sarcasm layered deep in his words, for she exclaimed with a proud, "Of course!" before she turned to address the reporters who were all waiting for her with their pens and papers and cameras at the ready. Song Qian had every right to boast, though, seeing as the hospital was built from a fund where her father was a major contributor. Yifan, on the other hand, could only stand stiffly to the side, for a military personnel like him wasn't any good with words. He was rather thankful that Song Qian could cover that aspect very well; at least all he had to do was to make his presence known, and that was it.   
  
Behind his shades, Yifan's eyes wandered around and took in his surroundings. Ignoring the noisy mindless chatter going on, having this many women walking around in white uniforms was actually quite the formidable sight, especially considering the fact that these women wouldn't usually want to be caught dead wearing the same clothing. Yifan could see the variations in alteration of their outfits, though, with some having shorter hems that the rest, and some with plunging necklines which did little to cover their chests. He figured none of them would sacrifice their thirst to outdo the others in terms of being fashionable, even though they were supposedly gathered for a good cause.  
  
Such was the pretentious world they were all living in.  
  
Yifan did a double take, though, when a rare gem stood out amongst the crowd and commandeered his attention with her doe-like eyes, wandering quietly and aimlessly amongst the crowd. Lu Han. In extreme contrast to her bold number during the Officers' Ball, Lu Han's outfit that morning was the most conservative one out of the lot, its sleeves reaching her elbows and the hem of her uniform touching her knees, even though it fitted her body like a glove. Her long hair was done up in a simple bun, with some loose strands tumbling down the sides of her face, but in all the simplicity of her up-do, Yifan still thought Lu Han looked like a goddess.   
  
He hoped that the flush of his cheeks when their eyes met and when she smiled at him could easily pass off as an aftereffect of being under the sun for far too long, even when Yifan knew he had a tanned complexion. Yifan was glad that he was the only one who could feel his heart speed up because of it.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
It was a good thing Song Qian decided to wrap her little press conference up fast, but soon Yifan found himself being at the centre of attention again when they walked into the hospital and up the stairs to visit the wards. Setting his height aside, it was all too easy to spot him in the middle of a group of giggling women dressed in nurses' outfits, and Yifan will be damned if the situation didn't make him feel remotely awkward. He had to try, countless times, during their walk through the hallways, not to sigh in annoyance whenever their chatter grated on his nerves.   
  
He felt much better when they'd arrived at the wards, though. Yifan was allowed to sit at the counter and watch as the other members of the Officers' Wives Club did their thing, which was really fine by him. At least Song Qian did not force him into joining them, because talking to other military personnel who were suffering from PTSD like him was the last thing Yifan wanted to do. He didn't want to know what sort of ghosts haunted these men's minds, and he didn't want anyone else to know those in his either. Besides, Song Qian hasn't realised that Yifan was receiving treatment for anything at all. There wasn't a point in letting her find out now, or she might have to live the rest of her life in fear, not knowing when her husband would finally lose his mind and murder her in her sleep.   
  
Again, Yifan found his attention captured by none other than Lu Han when he scanned the room. Unlike the rest of the ladies, whose boredom was almost glaringly obvious on their faces with how they were turning away from the patients to roll their eyes at something the men had said, Lu Han was instead listening very attentively to the patient who was seated beside her. The man was probably describing in great detail how he had lost his left arm, and was gesturing wildly while he mentioned about his dreams to Lu Han. Lu Han's expressions were scrunched up in focus, nodding and patting the man on his back every now and then in sympathy.   
  
Yifan chewed on his bottom lip. He wondered if she'd listen to him the way she was doing now, if he ever dared spill his secrets to her. It seemed likely, in contrast to Song Qian who was trying to reason with another man's dreams, telling him that he was being paranoid. Yifan sighed to himself. He knew how it felt to have his nights plagued by nightmare after nightmare, and it wasn't paranoia talking. It was muscle memory, the fear too deep-seated within their minds for them to wipe it off easily. It wasn't an experience that everyone could understand, if they hadn't gone through it themselves. Yifan could only imagine how annoyed the man must be. Song Qian had an upbeat personality, but sometimes, it just didn't work on everyone.   
  
There was a loud shriek moments later, however, the moment Yifan averted his eyes from Song Qian to take in the rest of the room. A loud commotion soon followed, with chairs being toppled over and the metal clashing loudly against the cemented floor, and when Yifan looked next, he was horrified to see that Lu Han was now held captive by the man whom Song Qian had just been speaking to, a Swiss knife pressed to the pulse point over her neck. Song Qian was on the floor, slowly inching away from the suddenly-aggressive man, her features contorted in fear. It didn't take much for Yifan to deduce that something Song Qian had said had agitated the man thoroughly, and Lu Han had caught the man pulling out a weapon just in time to push Song Qian out of the way.   
  
Yifan's senses went into overdrive, acutely aware of everything which was going on around him. Such incidents weren't foreign to him; he'd seen enough of his men turning aggressive out of the blue, driven purely by the fear of death, and he knew exactly how to deal with them. Yifan couldn't make any brash moves, though. Even the slightest mistake could lead to Lu Han getting killed, and it was the single most important thing Yifan wanted to avoid. If the man could kill one person, he'll gain enough courage to go on a rampage and murder the rest of them in the room, too.   
  
So Yifan licked his lips and took a cautious step forward, arms held loosely on either side of him to show the other man that he wasn't armed, that he was open for negotiations. He shot a quick look at the nameplate hung at the edge of the man's bed, and sucked in a deep breath. "Private Jong. Put that knife down, please. Can't we have a nice chat without resorting to hurting someone else?"   
  
"What is there to talk about?" Private Jong yelled, and there was a sort of frenzied look in his eyes which worried Yifan. He was really out of his mind, blinded by rage. "You bunch of high-ranked officers know nothing but the luxuries we can only dream of when we're here, fighting life and limb for the country!" He continued to seethe, his hold around Lu Han tightening even more. "And when we've become  _cripples_ , we're discarded to the side and left forgotten for your  _wives_  to ridicule our conditions!"  
  
At least, Song Qian and the rest of her clique had the sense to look guilty for what they had been doing. Yifan chewed on his lip, trying to hold back a scathing comment like  _I told you this was a bad idea_. Instead, he composed himself and turned to the group who was almost scared shitless from the confrontation. "Please, ladies, make your leave. I will handle this."   
  
Thankfully, no one but Song Qian really protested against his orders, and they quickly dispersed from the room. His wife decided to stay by his side, however, and cowered behind Yifan. She really wasn't made for situations like these, mighty as her father might be as an army officer.   
  
Yifan couldn't help but take notice of the contrast between Song Qian and Lu Han. Lu Han, despite being in a dangerous spot, was surprisingly calm in her captor's hold. He couldn't even pick out a sense of resignation radiating off her, just an unnatural sense of serenity and calmness. Her gaze was held steadily forward, and Yifan felt a jolt of electricity run through him when their eyes met. There was a sort of firmness in the softness of her gaze, one which told him she had faith in him to get her out of this situation. It made Yifan even more determined to make this work.   
  
"Private Jong, now we have the room all to ourselves. Calm down." Yifan found his voice once again when everyone unnecessary had filed out of the room, leaving only them and several guards behind. He soon realised it was the wrong thing to say, though, when Private Jong merely pressed the Swiss knife harder against the column of Lu Han's pale neck, this time drawing blood. His hand was trembling in pent up fury, one which Yifan desperately needed to dissipate before it was too late.   
  
Behind him, Song Qian mumbled miserably, her fingers digging into the fabric of Yifan's uniform and wrinkling it. "I think I'm going to be sick." It took Yifan a little longer before he recalled that Song Qian couldn't stand anything remotely gory, much less the sight of blood, and he wished she'd joined the rest of her friends out the door instead of feigning bravery and staying behind with him. Yifan felt bad for saying this, but her presence was only going to make matters worse. He couldn't possibly protect two women at the same time, when they were separated by a large distance between them. Things could go horribly awry. Any of them could be killed.  
  
He tried not to focus on the more morbid side of things.   
  
"You don't know how it feels, to be ruled as insane and kept locked up in these four walls." Private Jong seethed, and the hatred was clear in his eyes. " _I'm not crazy_. No one knows how terrible it is to live through the thick of a war, not knowing if you'll survive it, when you see your comrades dying one after the other in every way possible."  
  
 _I do_ , Yifan wanted to say, but his pride stood in the way and made him bite on his tongue. No one needed to know that Yifan, who was always projecting a calm and collected aura on the outside, had such terrible skeletons in his closet.  
  
So instead, Yifan tried in the most pleading voice he could muster. "Then make us understand, Private. If you don't say a thing, then we will never know what exactly you're going through."   
  
It seemed as though it was the right thing to say, because his grip visibly slackened, and his eyes started to water. His voice quivered when he spoke next. "All I wanted was someone who wouldn't judge me for what I'm going through–"  
  
Yifan was no longer listening at this point of time, knowing that Private Jong was thoroughly distracted by his thoughts and his grief. It was the moment of weakness that Yifan required, and he nodded ever so slightly at the other guards who were all waiting for his orders. This was an entirely different war he had to take upon. Before he jumped into action, Yifan shot a look at Lu Han who was still meeting his gaze, hoping that she could understand what he was trying to convey through the silence. She nodded bravely, and it was all Yifan needed to lunge towards the man with all his might, the other guards following suit. Lu Han, on the other hand, elbowed the man as hard as she could to break free, but just as she was about to be gathered safely in Yifan's arms, the Swiss knife caught her right in the shoulder, causing Lu Han to yell out in pain.   
  
It was a good thing that Private Jong was no longer armed at that point of time, and it was easy to subdue him when he was completely outnumbered. Yifan shut his eyes in a silent prayer as he cradled the injured Lu Han in his arms amidst the frantic shouting coming from Private Jong's direction, his broad hand pressed firmly against the wound in her shoulder to stem the flow of blood, thankful that at least she wasn't seriously injured.  
  
He wouldn't be able to live it down if she was.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
Yifan fidgeted a little as he stood outside the entrance to the private ward, rocking on his heels in hesitation, hands gripped around the bouquet in his arms.   
  
Even without Song Qian's insistence, Yifan had planned on visiting the injured Lu Han at the hospital, as a show of gratitude for saving his wife, as well as an apology for not being able to prevent her from being hurt in the process. But while on his way to the hospital, Yifan had thought that it wasn't nice to show up empty-handed, that it didn't seem sincere enough, so he'd stopped by a florist and bought a small bouquet of flowers as a gift.   
  
Right now, though, it didn't seem like a good idea. He didn't usually gift flowers to even Song Qian, so Yifan was very puzzled as to why he'd gone and bought some for Lu Han instead, when they couldn't even be considered as friends. They were acquaintances at best, and Yifan really had no idea if this was an appropriate social cue. Several more seconds of intense internal debate ensued, before Yifan sighed in resignation, his right hand poised to knock on the door. He figured that since he was already here, he might as well just stick through with his impulsive purchase.   
  
Lu Han was seated on the bed when Yifan entered, her eyes fixed on the scenery outside the open window. Yifan winced a little at the sight of the bandage around her neck where she had sustained a small wound, and her left arm was strapped close to her body with an arm sling. The bandage on her shoulder didn't seem to be soaked, so at least that was a good sign.   
  
When Yifan approached her, he could see the longing and the sadness in her eyes, which he really didn't understand. Yunho seemed like a good man and a good husband to her, so why did Lu Han appear as though she had a lot of regrets in life?   
  
It wasn't his position to pry, though, so Yifan didn't. Instead, he mustered the brightest smile he could manage and cleared his throat. "Good morning, Miss Lu. I hope you're well?"   
  
Lu Han jumped a little at the sudden noise in her otherwise quiet room, the monotony of soldiers marching below shattered by new words. Evidently she hadn't heard him knock earlier, and her cheeks flushed a pretty shade of pink. "Oh, good morning to you too, Colonel Wu! I'm sorry that you should see me in such a dishevelled state. I was not expecting anyone to visit." She said, and made to stand.   
  
Yifan closed the last of the distance separating them in two large steps, and stopped her from getting up from her bed with a gentle hand on her uninjured shoulder. "There is no need for formalities, Miss Lu." He reassured her, flashing another smile. "You are hurt; I would loathe to make you feel uncomfortable."   
  
"O–oh." Lu Han flushed again, and Yifan thought that he might really get drunk from the mesmerising colour of her cheeks. "In that case, thank you."   
  
They spent the next couple of moments in awkward silence, and Yifan remained standing for a long while more before he finally remembered about the bouquet of flowers he had bought. He cleared his throat once again, and handed the flowers to Lu Han. "I uhm– these are for you. I'm sorry I couldn't bring anything else."  
  
"Oh, it is really kind of you." Lu Han exclaimed as she gathered them into her arms, sniffing the petals lightly before beaming up at him. "Asters? Do you know what they symbolise?"   
  
Yifan rightfully blinked. "No, I'm afraid I don't. I merely picked them because I thought they were beautiful." He replied truthfully, but Lu Han's responding smile only grew wider, much to Yifan's confusion.   
  
"Just as well," she quipped mysteriously, but said no more. "Why don't you have a seat, Colonel?"   
  
Yifan found himself obliging, even though he had intended for his visit to be short. There was just something about Lu Han's request that he could not reject. "I hope your injuries aren't severe. I'm sorry for getting you hurt."   
  
Lu Han gently touched the bandaged area and shook her head. The smile on her face was really making him breathless. "It is fine, Colonel. The doctors applied some sutures for it, and I am expected to go home by tomorrow, if all goes well." There was a short pause, before Lu Han spoke up again. "How is your wife?"   
  
"In shock, but she will be fine with time. She isn't exactly someone who deals with such situations well." His words were wry, he was sure, but he really couldn't stop himself. Lu Han evidently echoed his thoughts, because her smile turned slightly wry, too.   
  
"I can see that. I don't think any female would be used to such situations."  
  
At this, Yifan raised an eyebrow at her. "You're different. You didn't seem afraid, even when you had a knife pressed against your throat." He said thoughtfully. Lu Han averted her gaze.   
  
"It doesn't matter to me – being alive or dead, I mean." Her voice was quiet, none of the bashfulness from earlier could be heard, and Yifan's heart stuttered a little in his chest. During these trying times when war was raging and the people were suffering from both the direct and indirect consequences of it, everyone fought hard to live – including Yifan. It was basic instinct to  _want_  to survive, but here Lu Han was, telling him that she didn't care even if she died.   
  
Before Yifan could delve further into the matter, though, another knock came from the direction of the door, and Yifan frowned at the sight of his subordinate standing in attention at the entrance, evidently expecting to speak to him. He excused himself politely to hear what his subordinate had to say, but his frown grew deeper instead.   
  
He immediately took off after his subordinate for the operations office, but not after offering a quick apology to Lu Han for having to cut their meeting short.   
  
Unbeknownst to Yifan, Lu Han picked up the forgotten bouquet of flowers once again when he'd left, smiling into its petals while humming a soft song to herself.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
Private Jong was on the floor writhing in pain when Yifan walked into the interrogation room, his amputated lower limb making it impossible for him to make a run for it, and the handcuffs hooking his hands behind his back was making things worse, rendering him unable to parry any blows being dealt to him. Yifan could feel a headache coming on when he saw how Yunho was aiming kick after vicious kick at the man, showing absolutely no mercy.   
  
While Yifan could empathise with his anger – Lu Han, his wife,  _did_  get injured because of Private Jong, and it was only by sheer luck that she wasn't killed – he also thought that Yunho was about to commit manslaughter if everyone else merely stood back and allowed Yunho to do whatever he pleased. Yifan rather took pity on the battered man, seeing streaks of his blood splattered across the floor from the various cuts and bruises littering his body, and he calmly stepped forward and grabbed hold of Yunho's raised arm when his second-in-command was about to embark on a fresh rain of fists after hurling a barrage of insults at Private Jong.  
  
Yifan could feel the way Yunho's muscles tensed beneath his hold, as if wanting to pull away from Yifan, but they immediately went lax when Yunho finally turned around and realised that Yifan was here. He wanted to sigh when Yunho saluted him, not lost on the fact that Yunho was older than him in terms of age. Yifan knew it was military practice, but he still wasn't used to this.   
  
"Enough," Yifan said, as firmly as he could. "You're going to end up killing him."   
  
The look of pure disgust Yunho threw at Private Jong alarmed Yifan, but he said nothing. "He might as well be, for hurting my wife." Yunho spat, then remembered his place and hung his head again.   
  
This time, Yifan couldn't hide his exasperation, so instead he turned to another guard and nodded once. Thankfully the guard was alert enough to understand what Yifan had meant, and together with his colleague, they quickly scooped Private Jong off the floor and hauled him towards the infirmary to get his wounds checked.   
  
Once they were left alone, Yifan sighed again. "I know you're pissed, but it really isn't advisable to kill another of our men with our own hands." He told Yunho. "Cases like these are best left to the  _court-martial_. Proper punishment will be dealt accordingly, even if it might not give you the personal satisfaction you would have otherwise had. You shouldn't jeopardise your own chances at getting promoted."   
  
At this, Yunho snapped up to look at him, the surprise poorly disguised. "You... think I'm suited for a promotion?"   
  
Yifan's expression was carefully blank as he replied, "You  _are_  my second-in-command, and if I ever become Lieutenant General, the position of Colonel will be left open, so–" He shrugged noncommittally. "–who knows, you might have a shot. Just don't ruin your own records."   
  
Yifan could see that Yunho could no longer hide the glee on his face, grinning from ear to ear as he bowed at Yifan. "I am counting on you to put a good word in for me, sir!" And when he straightened himself up, there was a gleam in his eyes. "Can I be so bold as to invite you on a picnic trip this Sunday, on the hills, with my lovely wife and I? It would be a good opportunity for us to get to know each other better, since we are going to be working closely together from now on. I have not offered my thanks for saving my wife, either."   
  
Yifan smiled softly. This was a first, having a subordinate who was eager to improve their working relationship from the get-go, albeit through more unconventional methods. Yifan and his previous lieutenant colonel had bonded through bullets and countless accounts of fighting back to back to save each other's hides, as did he with many other subordinates of his.   
  
"That would be fine." He said, though Yifan tried hard to ignore the rising anticipation to see  _Lu Han_  again, focusing instead on the possibility of forging a close bond with Jung Yunho.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
Despite the worrying weather forecast which had predicted that it would rain on the day their picnic was planned for, it turned out to be particularly sunny instead, to which Yifan was relieved to see and Song Qian, enthusiastic.   
  
 _We haven't gone for a picnic in a very long while!_  Song Qian had exclaimed when Yifan had told her about Yunho's invitation,  _you're always away, and when you're back you'd rather stay a hermit at home. It's a mighty good thing Lieutenant Colonel Jung was nice enough to invite us along!_  
  
Yifan had wanted to say something about it, but decided to let the matter slide in the end. There wasn't a point in destroying everybody's good moods before the picnic itself, and it was a great opportunity for Yifan to enjoy a seemingly normal life for now, in any case.   
  
When they finally arrived at the supposed picnic spot, Yifan was awash with the relief that he'd agreed to the invitation. Although the hills were within the army base itself, Yifan had never been here in person due to his various engagements – didn't even know of the existence of this area, with its scenery so picturesque it had him pausing in awe. Yifan had never expected the army base to look so beautiful from this vantage point, and it was a wonder how Yunho had managed to discover this place at all, when he'd come to the base much later than Yifan had.   
  
But his awe over the scenery was soon replaced by mesmerisation when Lu Han came into full view. She was already seated in the backseat of the jeep when Yunho dropped by at Yifan's home to pick him and Song Qian up, nodding her head once in acknowledgement before she'd resumed to staring at her hands which were folded on her lap. Right now, standing next to Yunho in a powder pink dress which was a lot more conservative than her daring number at the Officers' Ball, she appeared so demure and sweet, her fingers gripping the handle of the picnic basket firmly, and the small smile she was wearing on her lips was devastating.   
  
"Sir, after you." Yunho's voice broke his trance-like state just then, and Yifan cleared his throat in embarrassment, hoping he hadn't been staring too blatantly. It wasn't a good thing to get caught, especially when Song Qian was with him and Lu Han's husband was also around. Together with Yunho, Yifan laid out the blanket on the grass for them to sit, while the ladies waited by the side for them to be done.   
  
Soon enough, they were all chatting like old friends would, though the conversation was mostly dominated by Yunho, while Song Qian chipped her thoughts in very frequently. There wasn't much Yifan could say, considering that the topic focused on him and his achievements, but Lu Han remained very silent as she diligently peeled some fruits for them to have.   
  
Yifan knew the conversation was going to turn very awkward when Yunho began describing in length the things he's heard from the mouth of others, of Yifan's accomplishments while in Vietnam. He wasn't sure if Yunho knew that Song Qian was poorly tolerant of all things grisly, but his second-in-command was definitely extremely oblivious to the way Song Qian had turned greener by the second. By the time Yunho started describing about the way Yifan had decapitated their enemy's commander during his battalion's final skirmish in Vietnam prior to being sent back to South Korea, Song Qian reached her limit, her gloved hand flying up to cover her mouth.   
  
"I am terribly sorry for disturbing your...  _story-telling_ –" Song Qian gagged a little at the imageries she must be seeing in her mind, and shakily made to stand, straightening her rumpled skirt to the best of her ability. "–but I simply must go get some fresh air."   
  
Yifan had intended to follow after his wife, but Yunho was a step ahead of him, pushing Yifan back down with a firm hand on his shoulder and a reassuring grin on his face. "Worry not, sir. I will escort your beautiful wife here, for I think I am more well-versed with this locality than you." He said, and when Yifan looked to Song Qian, she merely pressed a thin-lipped smile and nodded in agreement, unable to muster the strength to object.   
  
An awkward silence enveloped the two remaining persons at the picnic site once they've left, and out of nervous habit, Yifan pulled out a cigarette from his pocket and lighted it up, inhaling deeply so that he could calm his nerves with the help of nicotine. With only the two of them there, Yifan really couldn't help his eyes from gravitating towards Lu Han's very existence, like a moth is attracted to flames. Demure as Lu Han might seem on the outside, Yifan still believed that there was more to her than meets the eye. She was holding back, he knew, but he wanted to know  _what_ , and most importantly,  _why_.  
  
"Peaches are good for those who smoke, they say." Lu Han spoke up softly just then, her eyes never leaving the peach she was peeling.   
  
Despite his attempts at maintaining a neutral expression, the corner of Yifan's lips quirked in amusement. "Who are 'they', may I ask?" He queried, even though he had heard of that saying before as well. It was an anecdote championed by the older generation, of which none of them could provide a satisfactory explanation as to  _why_  it was good.   
  
He had a sense of personal satisfaction when Lu Han's composed exterior faltered just a little, pink dusting her cheeks from being flustered. "It is mere hearsay, Colonel." She replied, but at least it was more than enough to make her cut the peach into several slices in record speed, before she finally looked up at Yifan while handing the plate to him.   
  
Yifan wondered if his smile was too broad, when he picked a slice up and slotted it into his mouth, only to feel the soreness in his jaw from grinning way too much. Either way, there was only Lu Han and him right now, so he could let himself go and take off his mask for a bit. No one else needed to know Yifan possessed a side that wasn't remotely stern.  
  
And Yifan's mouth ran away on its own, when the words  _you're very beautiful today_  suddenly slipped from between his lips. Both him and Lu Han stilled at the same time, and Yifan chastised himself, wondering if he'd ruined the easy atmosphere which had just been there moments ago.   
  
But then Lu Han beamed at him and nodded once in acknowledgement. "Thank you; very few people tell me that," she said, then, as if as an afterthought, added, "Not even my husband."   
  
Yifan raised an eyebrow at the comment. "Why not?" He wondered aloud, puzzled. If he had a wife like Lu Han, he'd be peppering her with compliments every single morning.   
  
"It's... complicated." Lu Han replied, and left it at that. Yifan didn't think it would be polite of him to pry either, so he didn't. It didn't mean Yifan wasn't going to file that question away for future use, though.  
  
"The other day–" Yifan started again before the silence became too awkward to proceed. "–you said being alive or dead didn't faze you. Why is that?"   
  
The question finally made Lu Han abandon all her efforts at peeling yet another fruit which would likely remain untouched, and she heaved a small sigh as she started playing with her fingers instead, seemingly distracted. Lu Han didn't really meet his gaze, and Yifan wondered if she was hiding yet something else. "We are living in a time of war, Colonel. Even if the war might be fought in a land distant from ours, there is no saying when we will be directly afflicted. Rather than spending our days in fear over something uncertain, would it not be better if we accepted our fate and faced it calmly?"   
  
Yifan was left intrigued once again by Lu Han's statement. She sounded like someone who was very intelligent – a trait which was shunned by many, if found in a woman, because women were supposed to keep their mouths shut and be a home-maker – and well-read, but Yifan couldn't be sure. The sound of laughter coming from a distance just then, however, reminded Yifan with a start that they weren't alone that morning. Yunho and Song Qian were going to join them once again soon enough, so he decided to speak the last thing on his mind, before the opportunity slipped away.  
  
"I want to get to know you better, Miss Lu. If you do not mind, that is."   
  
Several tense, agonising seconds ticked past, before Lu Han finally relented and smiled invitingly. "I will commend you if you are able to get me to open up, Colonel."   
  
It spoke of a concealed promise, one which Yifan will have to work hard for if he wanted to unravel the mysteries surrounding this doe-eyed beauty, and he was frankly up for the challenge. It made things all the more exciting, at the very least, and Yifan's mind was busy with the infinite possibilities of what he might discover in the near future on their short drive back to the army camp. He couldn't keep his eyes off Lu Han for the entirety of their journey, her side profile sharp and alluring even in the dusty rear-view mirror.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
"I hope you made lots of progress with Wu Yifan." Yunho threw the words at her the moment they had dropped Yifan and Song Qian off at their home, voice smug. So that was what Yunho had in mind when he had offered to escort Song Qian around the hills for some fresh air. He must have known that Song Qian could not stomach grisly details.  
  
Lu Han really wanted to gag. Jung Yunho was shameless.   
  
"I do not know what you're talking about." Lu Han said instead, decidedly keeping her gaze on the scenery outside. She couldn't help herself from staring at Yifan's back, even as he disappeared through the door into his home, his hand firmly on the small of Song Qian's waist. Something akin to jealousy burned inside her, but here she was, stuck with the most disgusting man she ever had the luck of meeting.  
  
"Don't play dumb with me." Yunho snapped impatiently, his foot pressing on the accelerator just a little harder and causing the jeep to lurch forward in a sickening motion, and Lu Han winced when the edge of the seatbelt dug into her flesh. He had always been terrible at controlling his temper in private, or perhaps it was just because Lu Han wouldn't hesitate to irk him every chance she had. His patience with her was running thin, Lu Han was sure. "He had his eyes on you for the entire drive. Don't tell me you haven't noticed."  
  
Of course Lu Han had noticed. Her skin had been covered in pleasant tingles throughout the ride, and surely enough, whenever she dared look up, she would meet Yifan's eyes in the rear-view mirror. His gaze would always be so intense that it made her blush and lower her head immediately, but the cycle repeated itself countless times in the last forty minutes and still Lu Han found herself fighting the urge to glance at the mirror. There was a peculiar sort of magnetism which drew her in continuously, though she couldn't put a finger on the reason why.   
  
She was mildly ashamed of that fact, if only because Song Qian had fallen asleep on her shoulder, and Lu Han was afraid that Yifan's wife might hear the rapid beating of her heart against her chest.   
  
This was something Lu Han couldn't let Yunho know about, however. He'd definitely use it to his full advantage, and push and push Lu Han until she reached her breaking point. No, Yunho didn't have to find out that Lu Han was attracted to Wu Yifan. Instead, Lu Han did what she knew how to do best – put up an act. While it was true that they have been married for years, Yunho hadn't really bothered to get to know Lu Han at a deeper level, and thus was unable to tell when she was acting and when she was not.   
  
Lu Han was keen on keeping it that way.   
  
"I haven't." She remarked boldly, not caring if it'd invite Yunho's wrath. Lu Han knew Yunho wouldn't dare lay a hand on her. It was much too risky, especially with what he wanted her to do. They were supposed to appear as a happily-married pair; it wouldn't do for anyone to find any marks of abuse on her.  
  
From her peripheral vision, Lu Han could see how Yunho's knuckles were turning white as they gripped the steering wheel hard, probably trying to channel his anger somewhere else. It gave her a personal sense of satisfaction to know that she could still rile Yunho up, juvenile as the thought might be. She was almost powerless against Yunho, especially when he was a well-trained military man. Who was a woman like her to actively fight against this man?   
  
The next words which left Yunho's mouth were rushed through his teeth, his jaw tight from an attempt not to bark at her. "I don't care what you do. Speed things up. I can't wait forever."   
  
Lu Han had absolutely no plans to follow his orders. Not this time.  
  
  


\--

  
  
  
Ever since Yifan had returned from Vietnam, he could count on one hand the number of times he had been truly left alone to sort out the mess in his head. Song Qian would occupy three-quarters of his time, dragging him here and there as company to every single social event imaginable on the base against his will. Yifan hadn't known that the army camp could be so lively, outside their regular marching and field practice, but he still found himself more exhausted than if he were to stick to his usual training routine. The other quarter of his time would be spent in the Operations Office, dealing with pile upon pile of paperwork. Seeing as they've lost a good number of soldiers in Vietnam, the government was actively searching for new recruits to take their place. It was unsavoury, having to look for replacements so soon after his comrades' deaths, but a job was a job, if Yifan would like to avoid landing himself in  _court-martial_  for shirking his responsibilities.   
  
It was a lovely morning indeed. Yifan's sleep had been relatively uninterrupted, save for the brief moment where Song Qian had tapped him in the back, letting him know that she was on her way out for yet another of her Officers' Wives Club meeting – which, by now, Yifan had learnt was nothing more than a fancy term describing their gossip sessions over facials and hairdos and manicures. At least Song Qian hadn't resorted to dragging Yifan to those yet. He might lose what was left of his sanity even sooner.   
  
When Yifan had finally managed to pry himself out of his warm sheets and hopped into the shower, it was already mid-morning, the early spring sun shining down upon the army camp yet not nearly hot enough. It was an ideal weather for a jog, so Yifan did just that, pulling on his tracksuit and taking full advantage of the rare moment of alone time he had.   
  
Yifan couldn't even remember when he had last jogged around the base, though it must have been before his last skirmish in Vietnam. That had been almost a year ago. He felt happy like this, taking in the sights as he continued on his morning jog, occasionally responding to a salute or two from his subordinates who were on the same trail. There was an odd sense of liberation, something Yifan had sorely missed. The sweat cooling on his skin was also very much welcomed when he decided that it was enough for a day, after which Yifan opted to take a stroll back home instead, allowing his muscles ample time to cool down.   
  
What Yifan didn't expect, though, was to bump into Lu Han on his way. Her expressions were pensive, her already small frame made to look even more petite by the lacy white dress she had on. It seemed as though they shared the same telepathy, however, for Lu Han glanced up with a bright smile just as Yifan made up his mind to speak to her, her small hand coming up to pin a loose strand of hair to the side of her face to avoid the breeze from blowing it into her eyes. Yifan stumbled a little from the sight, but quickly caught himself before he made a complete embarrassment of himself.   
  
"Hi," Yifan greeted breathlessly when they met in the middle, though he wasn't sure if it was because he'd jogged the small distance they had between them, or if he was just exhilarated to see her. He decided on the former, not wanting to delve into what the latter might signify if he ever dared admit to it. "It's a nice surprise to see you here. Are you not supposed to be at the Officers' Wives Club meeting?"  
  
For a moment, Lu Han appeared adorably confused, before she burst into peals of attractive laughter. "Is that what they call it? Their gossip session?"   
  
Yifan rubbed at the back of his neck awkwardly. He could imagine how weird the term must have sounded, coming from his lips, and his cheeks grew a little warmer. "Well, that is what Song Qian tells me. You know how they are, wanting everything to sound classy." He said wryly, then cleared his throat. "Anyway, what are you doing here alone?"   
  
It was probably the wrong question to ask, because Lu Han's bright smile immediately turned wry. "I was not invited."   
  
Yifan froze at her words. "But why?" He asked, unable to comprehend. Vicious as they might be with their words, Yifan hadn't known of instances of them shunning anyone out of their circle. Apparently there was a first for everything, though.   
  
"They do not much like me. Have you really not noticed?" Lu Han said, her tone light even though her words were not. Yifan could sense that she felt excluded, from the way Lu Han lowered her head and started to walk down the dirt path in silence.  
  
Yifan made it a point to keep astride with her, watching her expressions with concern. "I don't understand. Why would they not like you?" He, for one, liked her plenty.  
  
"Because I'm different." Lu Han looked up and flashed a tight smile at him.   
  
"Different?" He echoed, unable to comprehend. Yifan didn't think Lu Han was any different from the rest – prettier, perhaps, but nothing much out of the norm.   
  
Lu Han exhaled, the soft noise packed with the burden she probably felt, and took a seat on the first bench in sight. Yifan joined her, though he kept a respectful distance between them. Others who walked on this path might stumble upon them, and Yifan honestly didn't want to invite any malicious gossip, more so on Lu Han's part instead of his.   
  
"I don't suppose you've heard of the things they've been spreading about me." Lu Han said softly, and when Yifan merely shot her another look of confusion, took it upon herself to continue. "I was born a daughter to a pair of refugees from China. Life was extremely difficult for us, having no one to depend on, not nearly enough money to survive, and absolutely no knowledge of the language spoken here."   
  
At this, her voice choked up with too many emotions threatening to swallow her whole, evidently too painful to reminiscent. "Things turned from bad to worse when my father fell ill. With no money to look for a cure or to get medications, my mother–" Another pause, a deep breath, yet Lu Han's voice still quivered when she spoke. "–she sold me off as a wife to Yunho. My family had no sons, you see, and women could not look for jobs. They've been calling me a comfort woman because of this."  
  
Yifan shifted in his seat from shock, turning to face her. "But that's–" He swallowed convulsively, unable to believe what he was hearing. When he looked at Lu Han and Yunho, he'd thought they were married for love, not for the sake of convenience, but apparently he thought wrong. "That's terrible. Don't you resent her for doing that?"   
  
Lu Han inhaled deeply again and glanced at Yifan, the tears brimming in her eyes. "I do – but what else could I have done?" She tried to smile bravely, though it only caused her tears to start falling down her face.   
  
Out of impulse, Yifan reached up to cup her cheek, stroking it gently in hopes that it could at least alleviate her pain a little. Lu Han seemed surprised for a moment, but she ended up leaning into his palm, closing her eyes to savour his warmth. "I'm sorry this had to happen to you. If only I could do something–"  
  
Lu Han shook her head and interrupted him. "No, it's not your fault. I only have my luck to blame." When she opened her eyes again, Yifan found his breath hitching from the intensity of her gaze. "But thank you. Thank you for not judging me." She said, her voice barely above a whisper yet loud in Yifan's ears at the same time, triumphing over the rush of blood in his senses.   
  
"I don't–" Yifan started, though his words died on the tip of his tongue when he suddenly realised how close they had gotten, his palm against her cheek and their noses almost touching. If Yifan leaned in just a little more–  
  
No. Yifan couldn't –  _mustn't_  – do this, even if he was gravely tempted to. They were both married, and doing this, following through with his impulses, was going to destroy them both, especially when Yifan didn't even know how Lu Han felt about him. He might very well ruin the friendship he's made with Lu Han, and Yifan wasn't sure if he was ready for that to happen. It was extremely clear to him that he was attracted to Lu Han, though it didn't mean that Lu Han reciprocated his feelings.   
  
He quickly dropped his hand and cleared his throat as a poor attempt at covering up, but he wasn't sure if he had imagined the disappointment which flashed across Lu Han's features. Yifan refused to dwell upon it, so he said the most normal thing he could come up with at that particular moment: "Why are you willingly telling me all of this?"   
  
"I'm not seeking for sympathy." Her voice was small, hesitant, as though she had expected Yifan to harbour such thoughts. But when Yifan merely stayed silent, the next smile Lu Han flashed at him was radiant. "Because I can sense that you have secrets you need to tell someone, too. By telling you mine, I want you to know that you can trust in me, that you can confide in me things that you can't let anyone else in on." She confessed, the light in her eyes earnest.  
  
And Yifan merely found himself falling deeper and deeper for the existence that was Lu Han.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
Yifan and Lu Han met up a lot more frequently after that fateful day. It wasn't at all difficult, considering how Song Qian was often preoccupied with administrative matters at the hospital, having been given the authority to preside over its running, and she still had frequent meetings with her clique.   
  
Lu Han was almost always left to her own devices by Yunho, Yifan quickly learnt. There wasn't a point in spending large amounts of time in the presence of someone who was almost akin to a stranger, when it was a matrimony without love – these were Yunho's words, apparently, told to Yifan one day by Lu Han.   
  
Yifan was, of course, more than glad to keep her company, when his own marriage was like a dying flame. Song Qian and him barely exchanged any words of affection, anyway, only talking about mundane topics at the end of the day, whenever they sat at the table for dinner.  _It's as usual_  were probably the most commonly used words under their roof these days, neither of them much too willing to share anything more.   
  
While Yifan still had to oversee his troops, these sessions were mostly confined to the mornings. It was an arrangement made by his superiors, as a transitioning move to prepare him for a higher position in the army. His promotion to Lieutenant General was almost certain at this point of time, delayed only by some official procedures which they had to complete. Hence, in the afternoons when the shooting practices would usually take place, Yifan suddenly found himself with plenty of time on his hands, since Yunho would be the one overseeing their subordinates in his stead.   
  
Yifan honestly couldn't find a cause for complaint. There wasn't anything better than to be greeted by Lu Han's bright smile whenever he dropped by at her home, taking little effort to coax her out of the house for a walk with him along their usual trail. They always kept a respectful distance, for fear of inviting malicious gossips, but Yifan wondered if he'd imagined the light in Lu Han's eyes, one which spoke of desire for something  _more_  whenever he gazed into them for a second longer.  
  
He didn't dare hope for much, feeling content enough that she was willing to share her life stories with him. It didn't matter if she didn't reciprocate his feelings, Yifan thought, as long as he could see her smile.   
  
It was then that Yifan realised he was already too far gone.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
It was oh-nine-hundred hours when the doorbell to Lu Han's home rang, and she glanced up from where she was polishing the glass cabinet, feeling completely perplexed. They didn't usually have visitors at this time of the morning, since most people Yunho knew would be in the midst of training, and Lu Han didn't know anyone else who'd visit her. She wasn't expecting Yifan until later in the afternoon, when she has had her lunch and had nothing else on her hands to occupy her time.   
  
Calling out in acknowledgment, Lu Han quickly washed her hands clean, and straightened herself in the mirror by the entrance before answering the door, feeling mildly breathless from the rushing. Every trace of exhaustion was promptly replaced by surprise, though, when she finally looked up and realised who it was at the door.   
  
"Yifan?" She asked, the confusion clear in her voice. He'd usually let her know in advance if he had the morning to himself, but Lu Han couldn't recall him ever informing her that on the previous day. It was then that she noticed the frenzied look he was wearing, and the dark circles beneath his eyes, much more prominent than any other days she had spent with him. Lu Han immediately threw the door wide open, and touched Yifan gently on his arm – the first time she'd initiated any form of contact between them, but that wasn't important right now – hoping that it would calm his nerves a little. "Yifan, what's wrong?"  
  
"Can we go for a walk? I know it's rather early, but–" Yifan blurted, then stopped himself. Several more seconds passed them by before he chewed on his bottom lip and sighed. "Please?"   
  
"Now?" Lu Han hesitated, thinking about the amount of housework that was waiting for her. Even if this was in lieu with what Yunho was expecting from her, to get close to Yifan, it still didn't sit well with Lu Han to abandon her responsibilities at home. She was still his wife by name, and that came with certain expectations. "Can you give me another hour or so?"   
  
" _Please_ , Han. I need to talk."   
  
There was something unnerving about Yifan's words – something which sounded a lot like desperation and fear – which felt so foreign to Lu Han's ears, and she was promptly overwhelmed with worry. This wasn't the Wu Yifan which Lu Han had come to know in the last couple of weeks. Yifan was confident, calm, and tender – nothing like the bundle of nerves standing before her right now.   
  
Something must be wrong, and despite her worries about the weather – it seemed as though the sky was going to pour soon – there wasn't an ounce of hesitation in Lu Han as she said yes.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
In all honesty, Yifan hadn't expected this to happen.   
  
He had his usual set of nightmares, which ended with him shooting up in bed covered in cold sweat and panting hard from fear, his insides frigid as the residual effect from his dreams lingered behind. Normally, the fear would pass once he's taken in enough deep, calming breaths, and then he'd be fully functional again, but this day was different. Even after employing all the techniques Junmyeon had taught him, methods to dispel fear and for relaxation to take place, Yifan still found his senses on an overdrive, the residual tendrils of his nightmares impinging on reality. Even the smallest of sounds would make him jump, and he couldn't stop his mind from feeding him all sorts of unnecessary images.  
  
It was a good thing Song Qian was already out of the house for yet another of her meetings by then. Yifan dreaded to think what might happen if Song Qian saw him in his current state. It might possibly provoke her memories from the other day, where she had very nearly been taken hostage. Who knew what might transpire from that?   
  
In the end, not knowing what else he could do, Yifan immediately took off for Lu Han's house. It wasn't in his nature to beg, but when Lu Han had shown signs of hesitation, the plea slipped off his tongue before he could even process it. Yifan didn't think he could rest easy if she were to turn him down and left him to deal with his shadows all alone, but that was where Yifan knew that he could count on Lu Han.   
  
Ten minutes and a fresh change of clothes later, Lu Han was by his side, their arms brushing as they walked down the familiar path they always took. The atmosphere was especially cold that morning, owing to the cumulus clouds decorating the sky, and the worry seeped into Yifan's senses a little too late. In his state of mental disarray, Yifan hadn't noticed the change in weather, but he hoped that it wouldn't rain so soon. He needed desperately to talk, and Lu Han was the only person whom he could put his trust in right now with his problems – Junmyeon already knew enough of his nightmares, and he wanted a fresh perspective instead of having someone scrutinise his brain from a medical point of view.   
  
"Yifan, what is the matter?" Lu Han's concerned voice made Yifan stir from his thoughts, and he instantly felt a million times better upon seeing her face. Funny, how she had that sort of effect on him, when Song Qian didn't even come close. "It's not like you to be this... on the edge."   
  
Yifan flashed a thin-lipped smile at her. "Remember what you said the other day, that you can sense that I have secrets I couldn't tell anyone else?" Lu Han eyed him cautiously for one moment, before nodding slightly. "Well, I'm about to let you in on them. But I hope you won't judge nor shun me for what you're about to hear."   
  
Lu Han shoved at him lightly, probably hoping to lighten up the mood a little. "I gave you my word, Yifan. You didn't judge me when you found out about my background. I'm not about to do that to you, now."   
  
While Yifan had already known that, the confirmation still made him feel better. "I'm suffering from the same disorder as the officer who held you hostage the other day." He allowed the words to rush out in a single breath, hoping it could lessen the shock it dealt to Lu Han. Her eyes  _did_  widen marginally from the revelation, but she did not stiffen nor increase the distance between them. Only then did Yifan gain the courage to keep going. "Post-traumatic stress disorder, they call it. A terrible condition caused by the mental scarring from the war, from everything we've seen and done on the battlefield. It's not a disease we've contracted by choice."   
  
"What–" Lu Han paused, as if thinking about the right words to say. "What does it do to you?"  
  
Yifan shrugged, trying to seem as unaffected by it as he could. He  _should_  be, considering the amount of time he had spent living with the condition. But things only seemed to get worse, despite the therapy he had been receiving. "Nightmares. Vivid recollections of the war. Seeing yourself kill and be killed repeatedly, in many different ways. Sometimes–" The images rushed up to greet him, and Yifan came to a halting stop, squeezing his eyes shut and swallowing hard to will them away.  
  
It doesn't work. It never did.   
  
Then there was a gentle touch to his arm, sincere and fearless, that made him open his eyes again. As usual, the way Lu Han looked at him stole his breath away, but what was different today was the way Lu Han reached up to cup his face with her small hands, the warmth seeping through his skin and stealing its way into his heart. Her eyes searched his earnestly, as if wanting him to open up to her even more. "Does she–"   
  
Even if Lu Han couldn't manage to finish her question, Yifan knew exactly what she wanted to know. He shook his head, lips pressed into a thin, grim line. "You're the first person apart from Junmyeon to know." He informed her, voice uncharacteristically quiet. When Yifan had first met Lu Han, he never would have expected her to be the first person he showed his weaknesses to, to be the only person apart from his consulting doctor who knew of the nightmares which plagued him night after night. Fate, in that sense, unwound itself in curious ways. "I couldn't possibly tell her–"  
  
"Oh, Yifan..." Lu Han sounded broken, and something in her voice which simmered of sympathy didn't quite sit well with Yifan. She must understand, after having seen how Song Qian had reacted to the incident the other day, that Yifan could never begin to discuss about his condition with his wife, but this wasn't what Yifan was searching for.   
  
So Yifan took a step back, and flashed a sad smile at Lu Han. "I am not seeking for sympathy, Han. I just needed someone to listen."   
  
It seemed like the wrong thing to say, when Lu Han appeared hurt by his words. "I am not offering you sympathy, Yifan." She breathed, and there was something akin to frustration in her intonation. "Was I mistaken to have thought that you're telling me this because I am your only outlet, that you wanted to seek comfort which you would never otherwise find in Song Qian?"   
  
Even in the softness of her voice, Yifan could hear how it trembled, and suddenly he wished he could take his words back. Chewing on his bottom lip, Yifan exhaled through his teeth, feeling extremely exhausted by everything that had happened thus far. "I'm sorry–"   
  
Lu Han didn't grant him the opportunity to finish his sentence, though, when she surged up to him in the next moment, throwing her arms around his neck and going on tiptoes to seal their lips together. Yifan literally forgot to breathe for a long while, trying to comprehend what was going on, because never in his wildest dreams did he expect for her to do something like this. If anything, Yifan thought he would be the first to crack, to cross the invisible line they've been toeing for so long, wanting the other yet not really daring to do something that would upset the friendship they've been balancing precariously for a while now.   
  
Yifan still stood frozen, preoccupied with the many things which came to mind – most of which spoke of the risks they had to take, if he ever responded to her bold move – until the very moment Lu Han pulled away. Through his glazed eyes, Yifan could see how her cheeks were tinged pink with embarrassment, and it was the loveliest Yifan had seen of her.   
  
The words which left her lips next were even more broken than before, however. "I apologise. I was too full of myself. I thought that was what you were looking for. You can pretend nothing had happened between us." She whispered, and turned around to leave, but immediately Yifan reached out and grabbed hold of her hand, gripping it tightly yet not nearly enough to hurt. Lu Han glanced at him, the light dancing in her eyes speaking of desperation and hope and something  _more_ , and it was all that was needed for Yifan to reel her back into his embrace, his long arms coming up to wrap around her petite frame, his head dipping to meet her lips once again. The last thing he wanted for her to think was that he didn't reciprocate her feelings, because he  _wanted_  her, has wanted her for the longest time ever.   
  
Kissing Lu Han was like taking a deep breath after being submerged underwater for a long while, something Yifan hadn't known he needed this badly. It was different from the kisses he had shared with Song Qian in the early stages of their courtship and the initial period of their five-year long marriage, each slide of lips against lips sending delicious shudders down his spine. His hands finally came to rest on her hips, pulling her flush against him, and his heart threatened to burst with how well they fitted together. Lu Han's soft hands were pressed against the underside of his jaw, holding him in a tender manner.   
  
Yifan had no idea how long they've been standing in the middle of the path with their lips locked, didn't know if anyone else had stumbled upon them; he also understood that what they were doing was considered taboo, but Yifan didn't care. He'd been yearning for this moment for far too long, and he'd been damned if he were to ruin it with his own hands. His palms roamed the entire expanse of Lu Han's back, feeling her shudder under his touch, and suddenly everything felt right in this world.   
  
Even as the first few drops of rainwater fell upon them, they continued to kiss, Lu Han's fingers reaching behind to grip at Yifan's shirt, her head tilting slightly to give him better access. It wasn't until the sky started pouring that they finally broke apart, panting hard but with broad smiles tugging at their faces as they pressed their foreheads together to catch their breaths, and still Yifan ran his hands down the length of Lu Han's arms, trying futilely to keep her warm.   
  
Lu Han laughed at his efforts, and landed another chaste peck on his lips. "I think we would benefit better from a shelter, or we might both fall ill."   
  
Yifan grinned back down at her, before threading his fingers with Lu Han's and started to lead her away. They were far from the army base by now, and would be drenched to the bones if they wanted to get back, but there was another haven tucked away in the woods, a place where Yifan hadn't gone to in a long while. "I know just the spot."   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
Laughter and two sets of footsteps, along with the sound of the pouring rain, flooded into the space which had been deadly still mere seconds ago, though the latter was quickly shut out when they closed the door behind them. Yifan and Lu Han were dripping wet, their hair plastered to the sides of their faces and the water pooling at their feet, but still they were happy. Unable to stop himself, Yifan trapped Lu Han between him and the door, and swooped down to kiss her once again.   
  
"Looks like we're stuck here until the rain abates," Lu Han giggled softly when Yifan pulled away, but there was a contented look on her face, the tips of her fingers digging lightly into the front of his shirt.   
  
Yifan smiled warmly at her and hooked her hair behind her ear, stroking Lu Han's face gently with his thumb. "You don't seem very concerned by that, or am I mistaken?"   
  
Lu Han deliberately ignored his question, merely smiling and squirming away from him, her eyes scanning the room. "This is a nice place, though. How did you get to know about it?"   
  
Yifan shoved his hands into his pockets and strolled after her. "It's a club for the officers, actually, but rarely anyone comes here anymore. This is a place I always escape to when I need the space to myself."   
  
"It's very well-maintained." Lu Han twirled around and beamed at him. He really couldn't believe that she was here with him.   
  
"I always drop by to clean this place up. It would be a shame to see it go into a state of disuse." He shrugged. By now, they were standing face to face in the middle of the room, with the dulled sound of the rain pelting against the window in the background, and all Yifan could think about was how much he wanted the girl who was standing before him.   
  
"What do you say we make better use of it, then?" She asked, smiling seductively at him.   
  
"Like what?" Yifan replied, feigning innocence, only laughing when she hooked her fingers through the belt loops of his pants and pulled him towards her.   
  
"Like this," was all that Lu Han said, before she kissed him again, this time with more fervour, having been granted a space all to themselves, with the assurance that no one would stumble upon them. Yifan's first impression about her was right – she may appear innocent on the surface, but beneath all that, Lu Han was actually a bold person, someone who wasn't afraid to show her affections where it was due.   
  
This time, they let the last of their inhibitions go, hands roaming over every inch of skin they could find. Her slender fingers found their way to his shirt buttons, undoing them in an extremely deft manner which left Yifan surprised. He said nothing about it, though, and allowed Lu Han to peel his damp shirt off him, which eventually landed on the floor with a wet, dull thud. The feeling of her hands on his bare skin sent spikes of pleasure coursing through him, and their kisses turned messier, with plenty of nibbling and sucking thrown in the fray. Her soft moans and whimpers caressed his senses, and it was probably the most beautiful thing he has ever heard.   
  
Even though he was already partially undressed, his erection straining against the material of his pants, still Yifan's hand lingered hesitantly over the zipper of her dress, and he paused for them to catch their breaths for a brief moment. "Are you sure you want to do this?" He asked, more for her benefit than his. Yifan wanted Lu Han to think this through, afraid that she might only regret things when it was much too late.  
  
The way Lu Han looked back at him, eyes bright with passion and determination, though, dispelled most of his worries, and the way her chest heaved with every breath taken was just  _so damned beautiful_. His own breath came out in a quick rush when she pressed her hips into his groin, pushing Yifan close to his limit. Any more of this, and he'd damn everything to hell and take her immediately, considering how he was already close to losing his self-control. Lu Han was a great tease; Yifan loved it.   
  
"I have been the one to initiate most of this thus far, Fan." Lu Han caught her lips between her teeth, looking up at him with wide eyes. "Does that not speak volumes about what I desire? Unless... I have read you wrongly?"   
  
Her words had Yifan tugging her zip halfway down, teasing her and allowing her just a little more time to consider all at once. "There is no question that I want you, Han – more than I have felt for anyone else in this world. I just– I don't want you to regret."   
  
Lu Han grabbed hold of his free hand and brought it to her shoulder, before guiding him to pull her dress down her arm, exposing a greater expanse of that milky white, tantalising stretch of skin and half of her breast. Yifan gulped at the sight. "There are many things which I regret in life, but this will not be one of them." She leaned in to whisper, and it was the signal Yifan had needed to proceed, tugging her zipper the rest of the way.   
  
Heavy with the rainwater which had soaked it through, Lu Han's dress fell to the floor and pooled around her ankles without Yifan having to do anything else, baring all of Lu Han's body for him to see. Lu Han had decided that a bra wasn't necessary before she'd left her house, it seemed, and while she wasn't as well-endowed as Song Qian was, Yifan still thought she was beautiful, and her black lace underwear was the only garment which kept the last of her modesty intact. Lu Han's breasts fitted well in his hands, Yifan noted idly as he dipped his head to nip at the column of her neck, her breaths hot in his ear, her body pressing closer and closer into his touch. Lu Han worked at his belt in the meantime, pulling it out in one swift motion, before proceeding to undo the button and the zip of his pants, and Yifan let out an open-mouthed moan against her heated skin just above the swell of her right breast, feeling another wave of passion shoot through his nerve endings when she palmed him through his briefs.   
  
It was a bonus that Lu Han was light, and when he squeezed her ass lightly, she was alert enough to take it as a signal to wrap her legs around his waist, her arms hooked around his neck as he brought them towards the daybed, his mouth roaming insistently over her breast and sucking a nipple between his teeth, nibbling lightly and making her moan in pleasure. Yifan wasn't sure if her panties were soaked because of the rain or because of her arousal, but he wasn't about to wait to find out. Gently, he lowered her onto the daybed, and he'd be damned if he didn't find this attractive, when her hair was splayed out beneath her and her legs spread wide in invitation, her cheeks flushed  _because of him_.   
  
He didn't pause too long to admire the sight, knowing that they were both desperate for more, and immediately Yifan covered her body with his, returning to his previous ministrations. One hand of his found its way to her perfectly-sized breasts once again, kneading it and rolling a nipple between the pads of his fingers, his tongue paying attention to the other, and another of his hand ran down her sides, caressing her tenderly. Lu Han was a lot more responsive than Song Qian was in bed – something which Yifan couldn't help noticing, from how Lu Han was calling for his name every now and then, and how her breaths hitched whenever he discovered a sensitive spot on her body.  
  
When Lu Han began to rock her hips against his body to gain some friction, Yifan laughed against her skin and held her hips down with his hands, before kissing a heated trail down the length of her torso. Before she could even complain about him taking too much time riling her up, his fingers had already hooked around the waistband of her panties, pulling them off and throwing them aside. Lu Han wasn't shy to have her pussy on full display, unlike how Song Qian's hands had immediately moved to cover her private parts on their wedding night. Instead, Lu Han sat herself up on the daybed, fingers tangling in Yifan's hair when he lowered his head and gave a tentative lick. She tasted like heaven on his tongue, and the way her body shuddered from unadulterated pleasure merely encouraged him forth, her quiet whines a potent aphrodisiac in their own right.  
  
His hands held her thighs apart as he continued to lick into her vagina, occasionally pausing to suck at her clit and relishing the way her moans seemed to grow louder whenever he did so. Yifan was an adventurous person, and he was glad to note that Lu Han was just the same. Her hips began to shake uncontrollably when Yifan introduced a finger into her while his tongue continued to flick in and out of her, the muscles in her abdomen tense as she tried to fuck herself down on his tongue and digits, only to have his hand holding her down firmly.   
  
"Yifan,  _please_ ," she whined moments later, when the sensations were too much for her to handle, and Yifan added another finger, scissoring her fast. Lu Han came with a loud cry soon enough, her body arching off the bed as the waves of her first orgasm washed over her. It was only then that Yifan straightened himself, leaving only his fingers to continue scissoring her through her high, while his lips found their place on hers once again. Lu Han lapped at his mouth eagerly, tongue pushing past well-kissed lips to lick at the insides of his mouth to taste herself on him.   
  
"You're so good for me," Yifan mouthed against her hot, hot skin when she finally came down from her climax, and she laughed into his hair, pushing her chest against his lips, evidently liking the way they traced every inch of her body.   
  
"Only because you allow me to be," Lu Han said, steadying herself against his chest. It was surprising how strong she was, to be able to push Yifan down on the bed when he had least expected her to, but soon Yifan found their positions reversed, with Lu Han straddling him. Her cunt was still dripping wet against his thigh, leaving a sticky trail across his skin whenever she shifted slightly, and Yifan craved for more.   
  
Lu Han evidently knew what he wanted, for his pants and briefs joined the rest of their clothes soon enough. Before Yifan could even ask what she was about to do, Yifan squeezed his eyes shut in pure bliss, a moan escaping his lips when Lu Han wrapped her fingers around his fully-erect cock. She slicked it up a little with the precum that was leaking out of his tip, before lifting her hips and sinking herself down on his cock in one fluid motion, eliciting pleasured groans from both of them. She felt so amazingly tight with her walls clenched around him like that, and it took all of Yifan's efforts and concentration to not spill over right then and there. Once she was used to his girth, Lu Han began to roll her hips against his, simultaneously pleasuring herself and him. For someone who appeared so innocent on the outside, Lu Han struck Yifan as someone who was incredibly experienced in sex, though he stopped short of asking her if she would sleep with Yunho still, despite not loving him.   
  
For now, Yifan could only surrender to his senses and lose himself in the way Lu Han was riding his cock, lifting her hips until the tip of his cock was almost slipping out of her, then sinking all the way down once again. It was almost maddening, how Lu Han knew how to move her hips, understood what exactly she should do to draw the loudest moans out of him. With all his nerve endings in an overdrive, it didn't take long for him to teeter off the edge of his climax, coming with Lu Han's lips pressed against his to swallow up all the sounds he was making, her following him soon after. In the haze of his high, Yifan was mildly surprised to note that she didn't mind having him filling her up with his cum, but again, it was Lu Han's decision to make.   
  
In their post-orgasm bliss, they laid there on the daybed curled up together, savouring each other's body warmth like their lives depended on it. It was the happiest Yifan had felt in a very, very long while, and the residues of the nightmare which had shook him to the core just this morning was gone without a trace. He was sure Lu Han knew how he felt, through the lazy kisses they shared after, and the way his heart was pounding wildly against his chest.   
  
Outside, the rain continued to fall as they drifted to sleep, cocooned by the comfort their embraces offered to each other.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
Contrary to expectations, it was fairly easy for them to keep their relationship dynamics relatively unchanged to the outside world. After parting some ways before they'd reached both their homes that evening, clothes mercifully dry and not a hair out of place, Yifan was back by Song Qian's side, and Lu Han, Yunho. It was the same for Yifan – he still had to please Song Qian in bed, if only to fulfil her lifelong dream of being a mother, and then they were back to their usual interactions, which were mostly only verbal in nature. And by verbal, it meant that Song Qian did all the talking.   
  
For a couple of days after Yifan and Lu Han's first sexual encounter, they did not meet, for fear that what they've done would be immediately exposed. Those were the longest few days of Yifan's life, when all he wanted to do was to seek Lu Han out so that he could talk. From the way Lu Han had responded to the revelation of the disorder Yifan was suffering from, it was clear to Yifan that she would never judge him, and he found that there were millions of things he wanted to tell her – things which he would never otherwise have even  _thought_  about telling Song Qian.   
  
By day five, Yifan finally couldn't take it any longer, and decided that a trip to her home was due. It was a good thing he knew of Yunho's schedules, which made it a lot easier for him to drop a surprise visit without arousing suspicion.   
  
Lu Han was as anxious as him when she answered the door, and a significant amount of tension was lifted off her shoulders when she lifted her gaze and saw Yifan standing before her. What surprised Yifan most, though, was how eager she had been, immediately shutting the door behind her and dragging him down their usual path, pulling him towards their newfound private haven.   
  
Needless to say, Yifan managed to enjoy a good talk and an even greater afternoon being acquainted with Lu Han – both emotionally and physically – once again.   
  
Thereafter, both of them decided that so long as they didn't show overt signs of being interested in each other while in the presence of someone else, they hadn't a reason to avoid each other like a plague. It was emotionally torturous, they'd both agreed, and so they suggested to both their spouses for regular meet-ups over dinner. It seemed to be the least suspicious manner they could think of to spend more time with each other, and it was also a good thing Yunho was Yifan's second-in-command who was only too eager to be better acquainted with his superior.   
  
Thankfully, Song Qian enthusiastically agreed when Yifan brought the suggestion up as well. It did seem to Yifan that she was rather fond of Lu Han, seeing that the rest of her cliques were rather superficial bitches, and she didn't really have a friend who wouldn't judge her for something she said or suck up to her because of Song Qian's status.  
  
(Song Qian had complained to Yifan one too many times about her clique. He could only wonder why she hasn't stopped talking to them yet. The social circle she submerged herself in was toxic, that much was for sure, but it was Song Qian's life. He had no desire in controlling it. Lu Han, though. Lu Han was different. Accommodating, understanding. Even Song Qian agreed with Yifan on that.)   
  
Hence, it was how Yifan and Lu Han found themselves together night after night, with the companionable discussion between Song Qian and Yunho in the background as they stole secret glances at each other. It was also a good thing their dinners mostly took place at Yifan and Song Qian's home, where their dining table was rounded instead of square, so Yifan would invariably find himself seated next to Lu Han. No one had any reason to look beneath the table to see them knocking their knees together, with the occasional linking of their ankles whenever they were feeling bolder.  
  
And definitely no one needed to know about the notes they passed between themselves whenever Song Qian and Yunho weren't looking, holding the plans for their next rendezvous.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
Lu Han had the silly thought that her face might fall off soon, if she didn't stop grinning so widely. Her feet were rather sticky, having been dipped into seawater earlier with no fresh water to clean them after, but the exhilaration she felt in her mind was much too overwhelming for her to feel remotely bothered by it. Even though she was currently in the enclosed space of Yifan's jeep, her senses were still caressed by the salty air of the seaside, and everything smelt like the ocean. She honestly couldn't complain.   
  
Beside her, Yifan was looking at her with tenderness in his eyes, his hand coming up to hook her long locks behind her ear. Lu Han smiled and leaned into his touch, sighing contentedly. This was the best birthday in her entire twenty two years of existence. Nothing else could ever come close.   
  
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Lu Han blurted out and giggled when Yifan still wouldn't avert his eyes. Her skin felt warm from the intensity of his gaze, more so today than ever. He was also surprisingly silent throughout their trip, only watching her enjoy herself with keen eyes. Although she'd laid herself bare before him plenty of times by now, Lu Han still felt extremely self-conscious under such scrutiny, and she squirmed a little in her seat.   
  
A tiny shudder wracked through her body when he stroked her face with the back of his finger. The fond smile on his face was making her feel a little breathless – in a good way. "You're beautiful when you smile. You should do that more often."   
  
Lu Han grabbed hold of his hand and pressed a chaste kiss into his palm, before smiling back up at Yifan, the way he liked it. "I'm happy, and it's all thanks to you."  
  
"You deserve all the happiness in the world," Yifan told her, leaning forward to press their foreheads together, his thumbs still stroking her cheeks in a slow, tender manner. "You seemed to have lived a rough life before this. It pains me to think that you've suffered."   
  
Lu Han was about to ask what Yifan had meant by that, but before she had the chance to do so, she found herself freezing when she could feel Yifan placing a light pressure over the base of her spine, right above an old scar she'd sustained in the past. In all the times they've made passionate love in the confines of the clubhouse, Yifan had never questioned her about the numerous scars which littered her body. Lu Han thought Yifan hadn't noticed them, but right now, she couldn't be sure. "Yifan?"   
  
She gasped again when Yifan wrapped his strong arms around her and buried his face in the crook of her neck, though she reached around and dug her fingers into his shirt, savouring his warmth pressed so close to her. Her heart constricted at the mere thought that she might lose him some time down the road. "The scars on your body – did Yunho leave them on you?"   
  
It was then that the fear seized her. While it was true that she'd received a fair share of abuse from Yunho, it didn't end with him. Many other men have laid their hands on Lu Han while she was executing Yunho's nefarious plans at getting promoted through the fastest way possible, and she was extremely afraid that Yifan might look at her with disgust instead of love in his eyes, from how tainted her body was. Even the thought itself scared her; she'd usually handle the other men with callousness, not caring if their reputations were ruined in the end, because that was part of Yunho's plans all along. Casualties were to be expected, Lu Han had been told, and her body was nothing more than a tool, used by Yunho to claw his way to the top, to seduce these high-ranked officers into getting her husband a promotion in the army.   
  
But things were different with Yifan. Lu Han knew of this from the very first time they'd met at the Officers' Ball, when Yifan had rejected Yunho's offer at allowing him to have a dance with Lu Han. If it were any other man, they would have jumped at the chance without second thought, especially when Lu Han had been wearing such a bold dress which revealed more of her body than clothes those days were supposed to. Yifan, however, treated her with utmost respect and gentleness, until Lu Han had made the first move on him.   
  
Yifan was the first and only person who held her like she was fragile, never once hurting her, and Lu Han realised that she couldn't bear to lose him, now. She didn't want to keep helping Yunho with his cause, not if it would harm Yifan in the process. She  _couldn't_.   
  
"You don't have to be afraid to tell me, Han." Yifan whispered in her ear again when she remained silent. "I'm here to protect you. I won't let him hurt you."   
  
Only then did Lu Han swallow against the invisible lump in her throat. "I'm not afraid of being hurt, Fan. I'm more afraid that you'll hate me if I told you the entire truth."   
  
Yifan held her impossibly closer to him, and Lu Han closed her eyes, savouring what could possibly be the last few moments she had with Yifan before he pushed her away and shunned her for her past. "I couldn't possibly hate you, Han, so  _please_ , let me know who did this to you."   
  
Steeling her nerves, Lu Han sucked in a deep breath and extracted herself out of Yifan's embrace. It would probably hurt less this way, with Lu Han hugging herself as she told Yifan more of her past, instead of having him push her away when he got too revolted by what she had done. She wasn't proud of it, but it wasn't as though she had a choice.   
  
"Yunho wasn't the only one who'd left these scars on me," Lu Han said through the thundering of her pulse, though she forced herself to plough on, knowing that she'd lose her courage to continue if she ever stopped. She didn't think it was fair, for Yifan to continue being with her without knowing everything about her. "I... I used to sleep around a lot. Under Yunho's orders. He–" At this, Lu Han squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to see the changes in Yifan's expressions with her own eyes. "He is extremely ambitious, and he intends to get promoted through the ranks in the fastest possible way. And by using me as an offering, he'd bribe the higher-ranked officers in other battalions to get his way."   
  
Lu Han could feel herself tremble and being covered in cold sweat, even though the afternoon sun was high and the inside of the jeep was warm. Telling these things to Yifan meant that Lu Han had to dig up the most unsavoury of memories, many of which she would find herself at the receiving end of knuckles and open palms and belts. "These officers... they were almost never gentle, and when they found out that I was born a refugee's daughter, they'd–"  
  
The flashback of a leather belt coming down at her in high speed – the memory associated with the scar at the base of her spine – struck her just then, and Lu Han had to inhale deeply and dig the tips of her fingers into her knees, creating pain to fight against pain. The memories of her being abused for these men's sexual gratification were the worst, and rarely did Lu Han get out of these sessions unscathed. They always struck her hard, as they couldn't have done the same to their own wives for fear of inviting malicious gossip about their skewed preferences, but Lu Han was different – Lu Han was free game, with Yunho allowing them to do whatever they pleased with his wife. As long as these men were happy by the end of it and Yunho got his way with things, Lu Han's comfort and injuries were secondary.   
  
Her pain was so overwhelming that Lu Han gasped and screamed when a warm pair of hands touched her face out of a sudden, and she tried desperately to open the door, wanting nothing else but to get out of this confined space, to get away from the person who was trying to get advantage of her. She succeeded for the most part, only to stumble when she hopped off the vehicle, forgetting that she had been seated in the jeep. Her hands stung where it had scraped against the rough grains of sand, though her first instinct at the sound of another door slamming shut was to run.   
  
"Lu Han!" The man yelled after her, but still Lu Han continued to run, knowing that the man will hurt her if she ever stopped. That was what they always did – punish her gravely if she ever dared go against their wishes.   
  
Lu Han screamed again when the man finally managed to catch up to her, his arms coming to wrap around her body, and she found herself being slammed painfully back against his chest. This time, she could no longer stop her tears of fear from falling, feeling her body shivering from the mere thought that she'd receive a fresh set of scars by the end of the day, bruised and battered and having to cover up or hide at home for a couple of days until the worst of her injuries healed up.   
  
"Lu Han, calm down!" The man shouted in her ears over Lu Han's incessant screaming, holding her tightly still but oddly not enough to hurt. The warmth was familiar – too familiar for comfort, and suddenly Lu Han was reminded that she had been in the car with Yifan, and had been telling him of her experiences before she was freaked out by the ghosts of her past.   
  
In that sense, Yifan was so incredibly patient with her, cooing at her softly as he continued to hold her in his arms. "Lu Han, please, calm down. Listen to me–" Yifan said again, this time a lot more gentle. "–you're safe. You're safe with me. I won't let anyone hurt you in the same way they did. Shh."  
  
Only then did Lu Han feel her pulse slowing down, even though the tears still lingered at the corner of her eyes and she still felt chilled to the bones. Whenever these memories returned to her, it always took  _hours_  for Lu Han to return to full functionality. "I'm sorry, I thought–"  
  
"You don't have to explain, Han. I understand." Yifan told her, pressing tender kisses to her saltwater-licked hair, keeping her in his warm embrace. "I wish I could erase those memories for you; anything at all so that you won't be afraid anymore."  
  
Lu Han couldn't trust herself to open her eyes, afraid that the illusion might shatter and she might be greeted with Yifan's disgusted expressions. "You– you don't hate me? For everything I've gone through? For how filthy I am?"   
  
"I couldn't possibly hate you." Yifan whispered in her ear, voice trembling, as though the mere thought of him hating her pained him. Lu Han wanted to believe it was true. "You had no control over what had happened, but now I'm here, and I won't let anyone hurt you if I could help it. So please, let me take care of you."   
  
Lu Han tightened her grip on Yifan's hand; he was an existence which grounded her to reality, and she grew to love him even more than ever. "I will never let you get embroiled in Yunho's plans, I hope you know that."  
  
She could feel the way Yifan smiled against her hair, and her worries that Yifan would think of her in a lesser manner were effectively dispelled. "I know, Han. I know."  
  
  


\--

  
  
  
That evening, they found themselves back in their usual rendezvous point, with Lu Han's fingers tangled in Yifan's hair as they stumbled through the door, lips sliding messily over each other. Lu Han's heart felt like it was going to burst from how happy she was at being accepted despite what had transpired in the past, and it was evident that Yifan held an unconditional trust for her after her confession. Their clothes were left discarded on the floor in a messy trail as they walked deeper into the room, and Lu Han laughed again when they both fell onto the bed in a pile of tangled limbs, lying side by side.   
  
Yifan's smile was so bright it was almost blinding, and Lu Han leaned up to seal her lips against his once again, wanting to taste the sunshine on his mouth. She wasn't disappointed.   
  
"What do I do with you? You're making me lose my mind, from how in love I am with you." Yifan asked between kisses, one hand of his running down the side of her body, each touch sending her nerves on an overdrive, her senses going wild. It felt as though she was on fire, but in an extremely good way. She didn't think she could get enough of this, being caressed with exquisite gentleness, with care, with  _love_.   
  
"Anything you want to," she started, only to break off into a whimper when Yifan lightly ran a finger over her clothed heat, making her buck down against it. She was so incredibly sensitive right now, from the heated kisses they'd shared in the jeep and even now, and Yifan's incessant teasing wasn't making things any easier for her.   
  
"Are you sure?" He teased, even as he propped himself up on his hands and hovered over her, his intense gaze tracing her bare skin. Lu Han felt a lot more self-conscious than before, knowing now that Yifan was highly aware of every scar, every blemish which marred her skin. Before she could even cover herself, though, Yifan already had her arms pinned against the daybed on either side of her head, effectively putting an end to everything Lu Han had wanted to do. "Don't hide; you're plenty beautiful like this."   
  
Any form of protest died in her throat when Yifan leaned forward and started planting kisses on each and every one of her scars, starting from the one on her chest right above the swell of her left breast. Lu Han merely closed her eyes and savoured each press of his lips against her skin, wanting to believe that it could really banish the horrid memories associated with them. She keened when Yifan arrived at the scar on the inner part of her thigh, squirming under his hold when he moved a little closer to her throbbing clit, and she cried aloud when Yifan pulled her underwear down and pressed the flat of his tongue against her, nearly coming from the sensation alone.   
  
Slowly, Lu Han turned into a complete wreck under Yifan's ministrations, his name rolling off her tongue in a steady stream as he pushed her closer and closer to the edge. She came soon enough with three of Yifan's fingers inside her, his thumb pressing insistently against her clit, and he continued to map her skin with his lips as she rode out her orgasm. Once Lu Han had come down from her high, Yifan released his hold on her small wrists, and immediately she found purchase against his scalp, guiding him upwards again so that she could kiss him.   
  
"You didn't last very long today," Yifan murmured against her jaw, causing Lu Han's mouth to part in a silent gasp from pleasure. He knew she was sensitive there, and evidently knew how to play it to his advantage.   
  
Lu Han loved it. She clung onto his shoulders as Yifan pressed even closer against her, licking and nibbling at the shell of her ear. Her nails were sure to leave imprints on his flesh, though Yifan didn't seem to care. "How is it possible to hold it in, when you're making me feel so good?" She panted softly, arching into him when Yifan's lips made its way down her neck to her cleavage. Another moan was torn out of her when he fastened his mouth around her nipple, sucking on it hard before biting gently, sending more electric shocks down her spine. Beneath, she could feel how hard he already was, his unclothed cock rubbing against the insides of her thigh, though she wasn't able to wrap her fingers around it, having been pushed against the bed frame while Yifan continued to worship her breasts, making her knees feel weak from the stimulation.   
  
"Turn over," he then ordered gently, but when it became clear that Lu Han was having a lot of difficulty trying to do it unsupported, Yifan helped to flip her around, his arms hanging loosely around her waist and letting her find the strength to prop herself up on all fours. Lu Han could only keep her eyes shut when Yifan began planting heated kisses and making his way to all the other scars which littered her back like he did earlier. She shuddered and pushed backwards into him when he arrived at the base of her spine, the sensation too much to take. It was a good thing his arms were still wrapped around her, or Lu Han might have collapsed face-first against the bed.   
  
"Yifan, please–" Lu Han begged, when the throbbing between her legs grew too strong to be ignored. She'd deal with it herself, if she weren't on all fours right now, baring everything for Yifan to see.   
  
Mercifully, Yifan wasn't in the mood to prolong his teasing today, and there was a sense of urgency in his moves when he placed one last kiss on the curve of Lu Han's hips before shifting on the bed. Lu Han almost sobbed in relief when she could feel the tip of Yifan's cock pressed against the opening to her vagina, the precum smearing against her heat, and she bit on her lower lip when Yifan finally,  _finally_  slipped into her, a low rumble of pleasure spreading across her chest. Yifan's dependable hands were firmly on her hips soon enough, and Lu Han couldn't stop herself from moaning aloud when Yifan began thrusting into her, shallowly at first before picking up his pace.   
  
The sound of flesh slapping against flesh filled their senses, each successive one turning into a driving force for Yifan, whom merely fucked deeper and faster into Lu Han. Her arms were so weak at this point of time that they finally gave way, causing Lu Han to fall face first against the mattress, her hips still thrusted in the air for Yifan to take. Soon enough, though, Yifan gently laid her completely on the bed without pulling out of her, and Lu Han's heart leapt when she could feel his body heat pressed against her back, his hands coming down the front to fondle with her breasts as they lay on their sides.   
  
Owing to their new position, Yifan's thrusts grew a little more shallow, though he made up for it by pressing the pad of his thumb against her clit, causing Lu Han to rock forward and downwards at the same time, eager to get more friction. Yifan's breaths came in short, hot puffs as he licked a trail down her neck, and when he arrived at a particularly sensitive area, Lu Han's walls clenched around his cock from sheer pleasure, causing Yifan's hip to still as his orgasm took him by surprise. Eager to get her second release for the evening, Lu Han placed her hand on his between her legs, rubbing at her clit in tandem with his movements, and her jaw hung open when the sensation became too much to take, her own breaths turning ragged.   
  
Lu Han came with Yifan's name on her lips when he pinched a nipple at the same time that he placed a particularly firm pressure on her clit, sending her teetering into a state of ecstasy, her body shuddering as the waves of pleasure wracked through her.   
  
This was possibly the best sex she'd ever had, and Lu Han expressed her gratefulness for the enjoyment Yifan had provided her with by turning a little in his arms and catching his swollen lips with a sensual, deep kiss, swallowing up his moan with her mouth.   
  
Yifan pecked her forehead tenderly when they'd finally come down from their high, smiling against her lips next. "You're beautiful, no matter what." He murmured, each syllable sending tiny sparks of electricity rushing through her nerves.   
  
Lu Han smiled back, drawing lazy circles on the side of his arm, feeling him trembling right against her. There was a time when she'd feel extremely small, being wrapped up in another man's arms, but Yifan made her feel like an equal, made her feel that she was truly loved. Her heart thumped hard against her chest at the realisation.   
  
Shyly, she buried her face against his sweat-slick skin, inhaling the scent of sex and  _home_  she could find on Yifan. "There was never a moment where I didn't feel like I was a whore–" Lu Han told him softly, her cheeks flaming up a little in embarrassment, but the way Yifan tightened his hold around her – a sign of protection – Lu Han felt that she had finally found her own brand of happiness, something which to Lu Han, had been elusive as far as she was concerned. She smiled wider.   
  
"–and then I met you."  
  
Perhaps fairytales and wishes  _do_  come true, if you hoped and prayed and wished for it hard enough. Lu Han wanted to believe in that.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
Despite what Lu Han had said about resenting her mother from everything she had done, Yifan thought Lu Han still cared an awful lot for her mother.   
  
It was how he'd discovered that Lu Han and her mother have been keeping in touch fairly constantly, when Lu Han had knocked fervently on his door and pleaded for him to give her a lift to the hospital one fine morning, telling him that her mother had been admitted. Even if Lu Han might deny it, Yifan could see the silent panic reflected in her eyes, the nervousness in her movements. Knowing that Lu Han wanted to pretend she didn't care, Yifan opted to say nothing about it.   
  
Thankfully, their visit to the hospital had ended uneventfully, though Yifan could sense the frustration radiating off of Lu Han when she'd realised her mother was just having a bout of stomach flu, that it was nothing remotely serious, that her mother had exaggerated the gravity of her condition just to have Lu Han pay a visit. Lu Han had been on the verge of turning on her heels and walking right out of the private room, had Yifan not coaxed her to stay a while. A child could never wholeheartedly hate their parent, after all.   
  
Just as Yifan was about to light a cigarette to kill his time while waiting for Lu Han, she appeared around the corner with her mother-in-law walking beside her. Lu Han's face was less panic-stricken but significantly more grave, which sent off warning alarms in Yifan's mind. Lu Han's mother-in-law was a surprise presence at the hospital, when they walked into her mother's private room and found two pairs of eyes looking back up at her.   
  
"Thank you for being such a great help for my dear daughter," her mother-in-law told Yifan when they'd arrived at where Yifan was standing, then gently pushing Lu Han towards Yifan. It was a good thing Yifan still had some form of self-control in him, and he merely bowed back stiffly, hoping she hadn't realised how Yifan was about to rest his hand on the small of Lu Han's back.   
  
"It's what friends are for, ma'am." Yifan smiled, hoping that she'd buy it. Mercifully, Lu Han's mother-in-law merely bowed back, then took her leave.   
  
It wasn't until the older lady was out of sight that Lu Han heaved a sigh of relief, the tension bleeding out of her shoulders. Amused, Yifan raised an eyebrow at her. "You seemed so tense. She doesn't strike me as someone you should be frightful of." He said as they began to make their way towards Yifan's vehicle parked outside the hospital.   
  
Lu Han managed a wry smile at him, before keeping her gaze trained on the asphalt beneath their feet once again. "She knows." Lu Han breathed, and if Yifan wasn't already used to hearing her quiet words, he would have missed it. She didn't even have to elaborate for Yifan to understand what she was talking about, and he held his breath, too, feeling the panic rise within him.  
  
"What did she say about it?" Yifan dared himself to ask, watching Lu Han's face keenly for even the smallest change in expressions. Instead of sorrow, though, Lu Han merely came off as contemplative to Yifan, lips pursed in thought.   
  
"She..." Lu Han paused a little, as if to reconsider her words, but then she sighed in the end, her cheeks pinking a little. "She said to follow my heart, to be with you without worrying about anything else if I loved you." She told him, her fingers digging into the fabric of her dress as her cheeks took on a deeper shade of red. "And I do. Love you, I mean."   
  
Yifan's heart leapt at her confession, and he felt like a teenager falling in love for the first time all over again. Then again, something struck at him and he paused, unable to comprehend what was going on. "But Yunho is her son–"  
  
"–she knows of the terrible things he's done, and she's sorry I had to be married to him." Lu Han confessed, a wry smile pulling at the corner of her lips. "But Mother really considers me as her own child. I believe... she wants what's best for me. Sincerely."   
  
Yifan smiled as he opened the door to the passenger seat for her. "Then what does your heart say?"   
  
Lu Han reached up and cupped his face with her hand, stroking it gently with a small, reciprocal smile. "That it wants to be in love with you. That you are the best thing that has ever happened to me."  
  
Yifan held her hand in his, and took the risk to plant a quick kiss on her lips once he's made sure no one else was around. "And my heart says the same. That it wants you, and only you."   
  
Lu Han had never smiled brighter than this. Yifan committed the image to memory.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
"I still think she's a tramp, that refugee girl." Someone hissed from inside the room when Lu Han was about to return to it, causing her to freeze in her steps, eyes widening in horror.   
  
Earlier that morning, Song Qian had surprised her by inviting Lu Han to join them at the Officers' Wives Club meeting at the local hair salon, something which was unprecedented. Lu Han hadn't wanted to go at first, but Song Qian surprisingly possessed great skills in the art of persuasion, and she found herself relenting in the end.   
  
If only she had foreseen the awkward atmosphere created by her presence, Lu Han wouldn't have agreed in a million years. Having seen far too much for her young years, Lu Han had already learnt how to differentiate between sincere smiles and fake ones; in the beauty parlour where they'd congregated to gossip, only Song Qian's words and smiles were sincere. The others were so plastic and forced that Lu Han felt nauseated at the mere sight of it, the stifling air far too sickening that she had to excuse herself to the washroom to get some fresh air.   
  
Her hunch was right, then, when she heard what one of the women had to say. Lu Han's hands felt cold; they sounded like they knew everything she'd been up to – everything she'd been forced to do thus far.   
  
"Jinri!" Song Qian hissed just then, her tone disapproving from the sound of it, and Lu Han leaned against the wall, making sure she was out of sight while she eavesdropped on their conversation. There wasn't a need to feel guilty about it, she thought. They were, after all, conversing in a voice so loud they might as well say it right to Lu Han's face. "Don't say such things about her! She's a nice girl!"   
  
"But it's true, unnie." Another voice, which Lu Han recognised belonged to a girl called Soojung who was married to a Lieutenant Colonel from another batallion, spoke up just then, her words just as filled with contempt as Jinri's had been. "Haven't you heard of the gossips? They say she's been making rounds through all the high-ranked officers, sleeping around with them like a whore." Lu Han's blood practically dipped below freezing temperatures, because how the hell could they have known?   
  
Just when she thought things couldn't get worse, though, someone else chipped in and said, "She's been awfully close to your husband lately, Qian unnie. You should be careful with her, or she might just steal him from right beneath your nose."   
  
Lu Han positively felt close to fainting, because in the times she'd spent being happy with Yifan, she had essentially forgotten that she was destroying Song Qian's happiness in the process. Her heart wrenched painfully when Song Qian's dismissive laughter reached her ears.   
  
"Don't be silly, ladies. In all the times Yunho and Lu Han has spent being with us, I've never seen her as much as try to flirt with my husband. I trust her, so stop it with your baseless allegations. Gossips are dangerous things." Song Qian defended Lu Han, which made her feel even guiltier than before.   
  
Thinking she wouldn't be able to handle being in their presence any longer, both from guilt and from shame, Lu Han quickly excused herself from the beauty parlour, and made her way home before her mental state crumbled completely.  
  
Nothing in the world could have prepared her for this.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
For some reason, despite knowing that she was going to hurt Song Qian for betraying the older woman's trust in her, Lu Han still found herself giving in to her innate desires of meeting up with Yifan, the moment his messages arrived at her doorstep. No matter what she told herself, Lu Han couldn't control her impulses, as her heart was already in too much love with Yifan. Not seeing him meant endless tormenting hours to her, and Yifan's broken voice, one that told Lu Han he needed someone to listen to his nightmares and to tell him that it wasn't reality, that those were in the past, crushed whatever resistance she had formed in her.  
  
If there was one thing Lu Han couldn't stand, it was seeing Yifan so fragile and on the edge, his nerves almost crippling his entire being – more than Lu Han could ever begin to feel sorry for being the third party in Yifan and Song Qian's marriage.  
  
It was how she found herself in Yifan's arms, her bare back pressed against his chest as his rhythmic breaths warmed her neck. She  _should_  be afraid, considering the fact that they were lying in Lu Han and Yunho's bed, and Yunho might walk in on them at any given moment, but Lu Han didn't care. It had been far too many days since she'd last spent some time with Yifan like this, and even though Lu Han had been the one to put some distance between herself and Yifan, she couldn't possibly bring herself to push Yifan away when he'd appeared at her doorstep that morning, his eyes bloodshot like the day he had told her of the illness he was suffering from.   
  
Lu Han shuddered a little when Yifan's fingers skimmed over the top of her shoulder, and gasped a little when he circled his arms beneath her breasts, pulling her closer against him. "You seem so distracted these days, Han," he murmured against her ear just then, causing Lu Han to stiffen a little. Was she that easy to read? "What's wrong? You know you can always tell me of your problems."   
  
It was a good thing Yifan couldn't see her face right now, or it might give her away immediately. As it was, Lu Han had some time to consider the best way to answer him, her teeth digging into her swollen bottom lip in thought. In the end, Lu Han decided to be honest with him, and she sighed. "Do you love Song Qian?"   
  
There was a short pause – long enough for Lu Han to notice – before Yifan buried his face in the crook of her neck. Again Lu Han's heart ached at what he might possibly say; she wasn't exactly prepared to hear the truth, whatever it might be. She was afraid that he would choose Song Qian over her, despite his declaration of love for Lu Han, despite Lu Han knowing that it was selfish of her to think that way, when Song Qian had been married to Yifan first.   
  
"I don't." Yifan confessed, and immediately Lu Han felt relieved. "Song Qian and I... We were married because her father thought it was a good idea, that I would be promoted fast enough to the ranks of a General and provide a good life for her. I have tried to love her, but I can't. Not even before I've met you."   
  
At this, Lu Han squirmed a little out of his hold so that she could turn around to face him. The light in his eyes was fuelled with sincerity when she met his gaze, taking her breath and her heart away for the thousandth time since they've met. "But she loves you. Whenever she talks about you, I feel guilty for ever being with you." She whispered, fingers digging gently into Yifan's chest, her actions betraying her words. Lu Han honestly didn't know what she wanted anymore.   
  
"Do you think so?" Yifan questioned as he pressed a chaste kiss to her lips, his hands cupping her face so that she wouldn't be able to look away even if Lu Han wanted to. "All she talks about is herself, and what she wanted to do. There's never an  _us_  coming from her. I don't know why she's deluding herself into thinking that we are going to last long."  
  
"Still–" Lu Han started, though a gasp was pulled out of her when Yifan nibbled on her bottom lip and pressed his groin against hers. The passion was ignited within her in lightning speed. Lu Han wished she wasn't so weak in his presence, but it was something which would take a while to get rid of. Lu Han wasn't sure if she wanted it gone.   
  
"Han, believe me when I say you're the first person I fell in love with, and you'll be the only person I will love from now on." Yifan insisted, and from the way he was gazing into her eyes made it difficult for Lu Han to believe otherwise. "If I could turn back time, I'd not have married Song Qian, and I would have done everything in my ability to find  _you_."   
  
Lu Han knew she shouldn't be this easily appeased, but her heart was so full of  _Yifan_  that she was basically defenseless, and she found herself falling once again with the slope of his nose, his face, his warm breaths which caressed her skin like the gentle summer breeze, with  _Yifan_  who found her in the deepest pits of misery and gave her a new chance at living life as she was supposed to.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
In life, there was a first for everything. Yifan was a firm believer of that, yet he still couldn't hide his surprise when he walked into the ballroom and found none other than Kim Junmyeon socialising with some high-ranking officers by the buffet spread, smiling amiably at a joke told by one of them which had the others bursting into boisterous laughter. He could see the subtle wrinkling of Junmyeon's forehead from the distance – a sure sign that the army doctor was annoyed – so he quickly made his way to where they were, excusing Junmyeon on his behalf.  
  
Yifan chuckled when Junmyeon puffed up his cheeks and heaved a sigh of relief when they were far enough from the crowd, and he raised an eyebrow at his friend. "I thought you said you weren't a fan of such functions?"   
  
Junmyeon smiled wryly. "I know. I'm still not, if that's what you're wondering. I don't understand how you stand the noise."   
  
 _Hooligans_ , Yifan could almost hear Junmyeon saying, but he didn't call him out on it. Instead, Yifan scanned the crowd, and grinned satisfactorily when he located who he was looking for. "Here for Yixing, I presume?" He commented offhandedly. Yixing was a nurse at the army hospital, a lady with a beautiful, dimpled smile and a gentle demeanour, someone who fitted the bill of Junmyeon's ideal type.   
  
The way Junmyeon choked on his drink and flushed red only served to confirm his suspicions. "She insisted I accompanied her. I couldn't say no."   
  
Again Yifan laughed, hooking an arm around Junmyeon's shoulder and giving him an encouraging pat. "Looks like I'll have a wedding invitation to anticipate for. Good for you."   
  
Junmyeon's replying smile was sincere and a little shy, but he appeared genuinely happy that he'd finally gotten to date Yixing, and Yifan was happy for him, too. It was about time Junmyeon stopped burying himself nose-deep in his work. Even Yifan knew it couldn't possibly be healthy. "How about you?" Junmyeon asked, taking slow sips of his wine. "You haven't paid a visit to my office in a while."   
  
Yifan raised an eyebrow at Junmyeon in mock hurt. "Would you rather have me disturbing you daily with mortifying details of my dreams?" He tried to make his tone light, but they both knew how severely Yifan was affected by them.   
  
"No, but–" Junmyeon caught himself and shook his head with a smile. "Never mind. As long as you're more cheerful. It does wonders for what you're going through."   
  
It was then that Yifan caught sight of Lu Han entering the ballroom with Yunho by her side, and he was immediately distracted, responding to the smile she threw in his direction with a slight nod, his gaze never really leaving her silhouette as they made their rounds through the crowd. Junmyeon was looking at him with his forehead furrowed when Yifan finally remembered that he was in the middle of a conversation with Junmyeon and tore his eyes away from Lu Han, and Yifan swallowed hard. Crap.   
  
"Yifan, she is a married person. As are you." Junmyeon pointed out, something akin to disapproval in his voice. He made sure to keep his tone low, though, which proved that he still cared for Yifan.   
  
"I don't know what you're talking about." Yifan tried to play at nonchalance, but judging by the way Junmyeon had narrowed his eyes at Yifan, he wasn't convinced.   
  
"I know the way you look at her." Junmyeon said. "Remember, you have a family you've built with Song Qian."   
  
"What family?" Yifan chuckled derisively, because there wasn't a thing called 'family' between them. It was her and him, two different individuals who should never have tied the knot, pretending to live a happily married life. They could fool the rest, yes, but they could never fool themselves. "It was a marriage of convenience, nothing more than that. You'd feel the same way if you were to be married to Sunyoung like your mother had wished for, when your heart feels for Yixing."  
  
Junmyeon's shoulders sagged in defeat at Yifan's argument; he should be able to empathise with Yifan's predicament, but in a sense, Junmyeon was braver than Yifan was, for going against his parents' wishes to matchmake him with Sunyoung. Yifan knew how he thought of her as nothing more than a very good friend, having grown up together.   
  
"I hope you know what you're doing. If anyone finds out, you're going to be in serious trouble." Junmyeon told him instead, patting Yifan sympathetically on the back. As his doctor and his friend, Junmyeon should be able to see that Yifan didn't really have good social support, with Song Qian more likely to freak out and distance herself from Yifan rather than sitting with him and solving matters together. It was just how things were, those days, when people with psychiatric illnesses were ostracised and ridiculed.  
  
It wasn't the type of life Yifan wanted. He didn't ask to be doomed with PTSD. And he certainly needed someone to hold his hand while he recuperated from it, at the very least.   
  
Lu Han was that person for Yifan. He wanted to believe that his secret was safe with her.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
"Don't think I've forgotten what you're meant to do, just because I couldn't be bothered to ask." Lu Han gasped when Yunho growled lowly in her ear, and shrieked even louder when he wrapped his arms around her bare torso, feeling thoroughly violated even though her subconscious mind reminded her that he had every right to do so, that they were married by name, that this wasn't the first time Yunho was touching her without clothes in between. It didn't mean she tolerated it, however.   
  
"Do you  _mind_? I'm in the middle of a shower!" Lu Han hissed, though she could feel the hot tears pricking at the corners of her eyes when his hands only moved lower down, his breaths in her ear making her feel even more disgusted by the moment. Yunho wasn't clothed either; Lu Han could tell from the way his skin slid against her back, sticky with sweat.   
  
"What? You don't strike me as someone who cared," he chuckled derisively, loud even over the sound of the water pouring down on them. Lu Han stiffened further when the pad of Yunho's thumb traced the fresh set of love bites Yifan had left on her skin just yesterday. The marks must be obvious, if Yunho could find them without much difficulty. "Having fun with our dear Colonel, are we?"   
  
Lu Han steeled herself. "I haven't an idea what you're trying to say." She said coldly, pulling as far away from Yunho's intrusive lips as she could. She no longer wanted any other men's touch on her skin, much less Yunho's – not if she could help it.   
  
"Really." Yunho deadpanned, and Lu Han nearly gasped aloud when he dangled a chain before her. It belonged to Yifan, which he'd taken off and left on the table when they had made love in Lu Han's room, and Lu Han had made sure to keep it in her jewelry box out of Yunho's plain sight when she found it after Yifan had left. Lu Han felt offended at the mere thought that Yunho had been snooping around her things. "Then do you care to explain to me what this is?"   
  
"It's a gift." She lied instead, knowing full well that Yunho recognised the object, from the amount of time he'd spent working with Yifan, so denying that it belonged to Yifan at all would be a terrible idea. "Isn't this what you wanted? For him to show affections for me so that I can put in a good word for you?"   
  
Yunho again growled lowly, evidently not buying her words. "Are you sure you've been doing that? Or have you been pleasuring him like the little slut you are, while feeding him all sorts of fallacies to bring down my name?" He challenged.  
  
Lu Han's blood practically boiled at the use of the derogatory term, and she spun around with her hand raised, fully poised to slap Yunho right across the cheek. If there was one thing Lu Han wasn't going to tolerate, it was Yunho throwing insults at her character. He was the one who forced her into such a demeaning role; he had  _no right_. "How _dare_  you–"   
  
Unfortunately, Yunho had seen that coming, and he managed to catch her arm just before she managed to hit him, squeezing her arm painfully as a warning. "Don't you  _dare_  antagonise me!" Yunho hissed, ignoring the tears Lu Han was now shedding from the agony of having her arm twisted in the wrong way. "If you have been doing your job, then explain why I'm being deployed back to Vietnam while he gets to stay here in Korea being surrounded in the luxuries of life?!"   
  
Lu Han's eyes widened – more from surprise than anything else – at the revelation. In all the times she'd spent in Yifan's presence, Lu Han had merely told him of the poor treatment Yunho had given her, and how she'd been forced to sleep around with other men just to earn Yunho a quick promotion. Despite that, she had never asked of Yifan to get rid of Yunho, knowing that Yifan would have protected her from her manipulative, abusive husband regardless of the circumstance. This hadn't been in her consideration at all.   
  
"I had no idea–" She started, only to yell out in pain when Yunho pushed her against the tiled wall. He was pissed, and Lu Han's first instinct was to keep her mouth shut from that point onwards. There was really no saying what Yunho was capable of doing when he was this angry, and the least Lu Han could do was to not agitate him further.   
  
"Save your lies to yourself." Yunho seethed again. Lu Han forced herself to hold his gaze, trying hard not to look away from him, because it was an act of surrendering. That was the last thing Lu Han was prepared to do, no matter how afraid she was at inviting the worst of his wrath. Several more tense moments passed as Lu Han wondered what Yunho would do to her, but in the end, he merely sucked in a deep breath and smiled at her.   
  
Somehow, the simple act of smiling made him look a lot more dangerous than all the other times combined. His gaze was downright predatory.   
  
"You know what, I've decided that some changes to our plans are due." He told her in the end, his tone deceptively serene. Lu Han didn't like the sound of that, but she didn't dare ask what he was up to, even though the question was right at the tip of her tongue. Yunho seemed to have read her mind, because his smile turned into an all-out smirk within the next second, stroking her cheek with the back of his finger tauntingly.  
  
"I am going to  _destroy_  Wu Yifan completely, even when I'm gone. I will make him pay for ever doing this to me." Yunho told her, his tone sinister in every way imaginable, and a cold shudder ran down the length of Lu Han's spine. "But first, I will destroy what he holds dear – beginning with you."   
  
Lu Han didn't even have the time to process his words, when he crashed his lips painfully against hers and nudged her legs apart with his knee, ignoring her panicked cries of protest.  
  
  


\--

  
  
  
Thoroughly abused, battered, and aching all over.  
  
That was how Lu Han felt by the end of the night, where she was left alone to her thoughts, crouched in the corner of the bathroom as she cradled her head in her arms, still naked from her shower earlier.   
  
She had long since stopped crying, feeling too numbed to even think after what Yunho had done to her, defiling her even more than she had thought possible. Her entire body was burning from the sheer amount of times she had spent cleaning herself, scrubbing until her skin was raw and bleeding in several places, yet Lu Han still felt dirty beyond description, the way his cum had coated every inch of her skin lingering upon it.   
  
Yunho definitely meant business when he said he was going to destroy everything Yifan cared for.   
  
It was the first time Lu Han had seen Yunho act in such a callous manner, in all the years they'd been married and where he'd been using her as a tool for his own benefit. Never did Yunho require Lu Han to do anything more than acting as bribery for a fast way to the top of the military ranks, as ambitious as he might be. He was usually more than content when he received a letter of recommendation in exchange for Lu Han's body, yet this time, Yunho seemed extremely jealous of Yifan's standing in the army.   
  
It wasn't as though Lu Han couldn't see  _why_ , however – Yifan had everything Yunho wanted and more, being the youngest military officer to be considered for the position of Lieutenant General, and he was also married to the commander-in-chief's daughter. But she thought Yunho would have been more than contented to be in Yifan's good books.   
  
Apparently not.   
  
He'd made his hatred for Yifan known from the way his nails had scraped painfully over the marks Yifan had left on Lu Han's body, as if trying to erase every single trace of Yifan having touched Lu Han. It was incredibly ironic for him to do so; Yunho had been the one who wanted Lu Han to seduce Yifan with the way she had tempted the rest into their trap.   
  
This time, however, Yunho had miscalculated his steps. Never in a million years would he have expected Lu Han to fall in love with Yifan, but perhaps that was why he forced himself on Lu Han that evening, to vent his frustrations and anger.   
  
Lu Han's fingers dug into the flesh of her arms as she curled in even more into herself, squeezing her eyes shut to will out the events which had unfolded over the last few hours, wishing futilely that it had never happened, hoping that this was all but a bad dream conjured by her twisted inner state of mind. Nevertheless, the throbbing pain between her legs served as a terrible reminder of what Yunho had done to her, and it was by sheer mental resilience that Lu Han managed to stop herself from reaching for the brush to scrub herself clean again.   
  
When she reopened her eyes next, though, Lu Han steeled herself with a brand new resolve.   
  
This had to be done for Yifan's sake, even at the cost of her happiness for the rest of her life.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
To Lu Han, making a firm resolution to avoid Yifan was the easy part. The hard part was to stop herself from caving in and unlatching the door whenever Yifan came knocking, calling out just loud enough for her to hear through the wood, to  _please, open the door_  or  _please, explain to me what I've done wrong_.   
  
Lu Han hadn't stated a reason, merely telling him that she wasn't going to see him anymore in her note, which she'd requested for Jonghyun to deliver to Yifan personally. Even then, she had struggled tremendously while writing it, her heart protesting against what her sound mind had decided, because no, she didn't want to part ways with Yifan, not like this, not when it was clear they still loved each other. But the logical part of her mind told her she  _had_  to do this, for the sake of keeping Yifan safe from harm. Yunho was capable of doing just about  _anything_  to get his hands on what he wanted, and in the face of a formidable rival such as Yifan, he was probably stopping at nothing to achieve his goal.   
  
Lu Han could see that future coming true, if she didn't distance herself from Yifan, and she couldn't bear to think that her presence in Yifan's life would bring him harm. Her mother had once told her, back when their family had still been living a hard but happy life in the past, when Lu Han hadn't yet despised her this much – if you truly love someone, let them go instead of forcing them to stay and bringing them suffering in the process.   
  
Trust her mother to leave out the fact that by doing so, she was essentially subjecting herself to an agonising life, too.   
  
She had a taste of how persistent Yifan could be, however. He'd appear at her doorstep every day without fail, rapping his knuckles against the stained glass and calling out for her tirelessly. Lu Han had very nearly lost her self-control on more occasions than one, hand reaching for the doorknob before stopping herself just in the nick of time. All her efforts at ignoring him would have been for naught if she gave in, because Lu Han knew that the very moment the barrier between them was removed, she would fall in a rapid, downward spiral towards the vortex that was Yifan's existence. It was frightening, how much Lu Han craved for Yifan, and she would sometimes wonder if she were merely obsessed with him.   
  
She never allowed herself to continue on that thought.   
  
Today was no different. Someone came knocking on Lu Han's door while she was doing the dishes, and immediately her blood froze over, knowing that another immense struggle was coming for her. But just like a peculiar sense of magnetism, she found her feet carrying her to the door, her palms bracing against the lacquered wood as she pressed an ear against it, listening intently for the sound of Yifan's breaths which she missed dearly. The usual, silent  _I can't see you, not anymore_  and  _I can't let Yunho harm you in any way because of me_  hung on the tip of her tongue; Lu Han could taste blood seconds later, from the way her teeth sank into the plumpness of her bottom lip to stop herself from opening her mouth.   
  
She frowned a little when her mind caught up with the fact that something seemed different with the way Yifan was knocking on her door today. For one, there wasn't really a sense of urgency or desperation in the way his knuckle met wood, bordering on sluggish, even, and suddenly Lu Han was afraid that he'd finally grown tired of waiting for her, that perhaps this would be the very last time he would stand at her doorstep.  
  
 _Hypocrite_ , a voice at the back of her mind told her viciously, chastising Lu Han for being so fickle-minded when it came to Yifan, but Lu Han forcefully shoved that voice away, standing on tiptoes to look through the peephole so that she could take in Yifan's expressions.   
  
Nevertheless, the face which greeted her did not belong to Yifan, but rather his wife Song Qian who seemed slightly paler than Lu Han remembered her to be. There wasn't an ounce of hesitation in her as Lu Han threw the door open, greeting Song Qian as brightly as she could.   
  
"Hi, I didn't think that you were home." Song Qian smiled at her, showing Lu Han the box in her hand. "I baked something for you. Do you mind if I came in?"  
  
Despite wanting to be left alone, Lu Han still stepped aside and allowed Song Qian in. Song Qian had, after all, treated her with nothing but kindness, and it would be rude of Lu Han to turn her away just like that. "Of course not; you're always welcome to my home. I was just doing some chores." Then, as an afterthought, "Thank you, by the way. For the cake. What could the occasion possibly be?"   
  
Song Qian spun around with her hands on her hips once she had placed the cake on the dining table, her expressions disapproving as she pouted a little at Lu Han. "I should scold you." She said, her tone serious, and it worried Lu Han a little. Song Qian had never spoken to her while sounding so grave before. "Why have you not come over for our usual dinner gatherings for such a long while? This poor soul is beginning to miss you dearly, especially after you took off so suddenly from the meeting the other day."  
  
At the sound of that, though, Lu Han's heart lightened up a whole lot. She'd been worrying that Song Qian might've discovered something she shouldn't, but at least now her mind could be put to rest, if only for a little while. "I apologise for that. My husband has been rather busy of late, preparing for his deployment. I didn't think it was appropriate for me to pester him to come along, when he's worrying over enough things as it is."  
  
A look of understanding flashed across Song Qian's face, and Lu Han felt like squirming when she realised that Song Qian must have thought Lu Han wanted to spend some  _intimate_  time with Yunho before he left. It was like that with the rest of the households, no doubt, but Lu Han and Yunho's relationship wasn't exactly normal. Lu Han forced herself to play along, because it wouldn't do to expose the truth behind closed doors to another person apart from Yifan – not when Song Qian's husband was involved in the dirtier part of things. Lu Han had never felt more ashamed to be in Song Qian's presence.   
  
"That is perfectly understandable," Song Qian clapped delightedly. "I know how you must feel, wanting to bear his child before he leaves for another war. It's the same between Yifan and I."   
  
Lu Han positively wanted to throw up at the mere thought that she was to be pregnant with that demon's offspring, even more so when the images of Yifan fucking into Song Qian intruded her mind and she found herself burning with jealousy. It was very unsightly of her to do so. Song Qian was legally married to Yifan, and Lu Han was nothing more than the third party to their marriage.   
  
"It's not like that, unnie. We don't–"  _Have sex very often_ , Lu Han wanted to say, but stopped herself just in time. It would seem weird, if a married couple did not actively seek to have a child by being together as frequently as they could, considering Yunho was an army personnel whose future was uncertain – unlike Yifan, who was spared from deployment due to his impending promotion.  
  
Before Lu Han could think of something else to say, though, Song Qian suddenly grabbed hold of Lu Han's arm, her other hand cupped tightly over her mouth. Her face had turned completely green by now, and only a muffled "I need to use your toilet" came from Song Qian.   
  
Song Qian bolted towards the end of the hall when Lu Han had gotten over the initial confusion, and Lu Han felt compelled to follow after the older woman, to make sure she was alright. As much as Yifan claimed that he didn't love Song Qian, Lu Han could see that he still cared for her to a certain extent – it would be terrible if anything happened to Song Qian.   
  
She sucked in a deep breath as she stood outside the bathroom, hearing Song Qian retching and emptying her stomach contents into the bowl. She seemed to be down with a bad food poisoning episode, but then another possibility for her condition came to mind, causing Lu Han's heart to come to a halting stop.   
  
It wasn't until five minutes later that Song Qian finally came out of the bathroom, appearing ill but not as miserable as she should be for someone down with a stomach flu. Lu Han gulped hard, and asked the lingering question on her mind. "Are you... pregnant?"   
  
Even if Song Qian hadn't said a thing in response to her question, the telltale smile which spread across her face gave Lu Han all the answers she needed. It didn't stop her from feeling the bile rising up the column of her throat, and it took everything Lu Han had to keep a smile plastered on her face.  
  
"Congratulations," she said, hoping that Song Qian did not notice the catch in her voice. "Does Yi–" A pause; she shouldn't be using Yifan's name so freely, especially when they weren't even supposed to be close on the outside. "Does the Colonel know?"   
  
Song Qian was the epitome of a blushing bride – except this time, she was going to be a  _mother_ , a mother to  _Yifan's_ child – as she shook her head in response, the uncharacteristically shy smile finding its way to her lips. "I plan on telling him later. We are throwing him a congratulatory party to celebrate his promotion to Lieutenant General next week. I will announce this, then." She told Lu Han happily, reaching forward to hold her hand with a broad smile. "You should be there too with Lieutenant Colonel Jung, before he has to leave for Vietnam."   
  
Lu Han could only give a silent nod of agreement, feeling too numbed to say anything else. It would be too suspicious if they gave the celebratory party a miss, especially when the Jungs were considered a close friend to the Wu household.   
  
Later on, when she was once again left alone to stare at the four walls of her living room, there was a brand new resolve which slowly but surely established within her. Lu Han was not blind to the way Song Qian had gushed over her much-awaited pregnancy, or how excited she was to finally be a mother. If Lu Han had the slightest desire to give in to her heart and continued seeing Yifan in the dark before, she no longer did, now.   
  
After all, the pain of having to give up someone you loved would eventually turn into ashes with time... right?   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
Yifan doubled over to catch his breath, each inhale making his lungs sear after the intense jogging he'd just done around the army base. The late afternoon sun was shining down mercilessly upon his back, his skin burning from the heat, but Yifan couldn't be more thankful for the sweat which was just beginning to cool off.   
  
This was the final resort for him to dispel his worries, when even the chain smoking and alcohol didn't work, running alone without having to think about anything at all. His life has been nothing but a terrible mess as of late, with one problem piling on top of the other before he could even begin to solve any of them.   
  
It all started with Lu Han's sudden decision to stop meeting him, leaving nothing but a short note behind without even explaining things. Yifan had been thoroughly confused, because he was sure things have been going well between them until the day after the ball. There wasn't even the subtlest of signs that she wanted out of it, and to make things worse, Lu Han had ignored him outright, refusing to even open the door for him despite the fact that Yifan was constantly at her doorstep. It couldn't possibly be because Yunho was to be deployed to Vietnam again, considering how Lu Han would be more than happy to be rid of her husband. Could it?   
  
If things weren't already bad enough, rumours of Yifan being on psychiatric treatment began surfacing, which had led to additional interviews with the higher-ranked officials who wanted to determine that Yifan was really of sound mind. Of course, not understanding the nature of Yifan's illness, it was only all too easy for Yifan to pretend that he was completely fine – he  _was_ , for the most part, until he was badly shaken by the nightmares which  _still_  plagued him, albeit more manageable when Lu Han was by his side. It seemed that his superiors weren't thoroughly convinced, however, which eventually saw Junmyeon being temporarily pulled out of service to aid in investigations.   
  
Yifan had never felt more guilty for getting Junmyeon involved in his mess, but Junmyeon insisted that he was fine, that it was a good opportunity for him to just sit back and relax for a bit, seeing that he's been working like hell for the last couple of years. At least, Junmyeon still had Yixing by his side, which probably made things a little easier for him to deal with.   
  
Nevertheless, Yifan was still trying to figure out the best possible solution to his problems. No matter which approach he intended to employ, things seemed to go against his wishes, and that in turn frustrated him to no ends. If only life could be simpler than this.   
  
Deciding that he had enough of running for one afternoon, Yifan slung his towel around his neck and started on a slow jog back home, allowing his muscles to cool down before the cramps settled in. They were already aching, but in a good way, and Yifan was keen on keeping them that way. At least there was something to distract him.  
  
Yifan cautiously crept into the house when he'd arrived, though, greeted by nothing but silence. Something didn't quite feel right to him, because the sun was fast setting, and Song Qian would usually be busying herself in the kitchen over dinner by now. He shook off the silly notion that someone had infiltrated his home, firmly reminding himself that he was on the army base back in South Korea, not in Vietnam. It was as peaceful as anyone could possibly wish for.   
  
He came to a halting stop when he stepped into the living room, blinking when someone popped a party popper from behind, showering him with confetti, and he fell into momentary confusion when several grinning faces greeted him, one of them being Song Qian. Seeing that he was stunned speechless, she walked forward and pulled him into a tight embrace, the smile in her voice clear as daylight as she said, "Congratulations on being promoted to Lieutenant General!"   
  
Several more mind-numbing seconds passed them by, before the guests in their home also erupted in similar cheers, all congratulating him wildly. It was then that Yifan realised that he'd passed the interviews with his superiors, that he had finally made it. Only then did Yifan break into an equally wide grin, wrapping an arm around Song Qian (out of habit, for she had been by his side for so many years by now) as he addressed his guests. "So that's what you guys have been up to? A secret party?"   
  
Jonghyun shrugged, though the grin on his face was simply infectious. "We kind of found out this evening, but you were out on a jog, so we figured that throwing a party for you at the end of it was only proper. It's your wife's idea, by the way."   
  
"Well," Song Qian started, all while trying to pry herself out of Yifan's sweaty embrace, but the smile on her face told him that she didn't really care. "I knew of it since last week. My father informed me of the news. But before the celebrations go in full swing, I believe someone has to first take a shower."   
  
Yifan could only shake his head in amusement as she started pushing him in the direction of their room in full view of their guests.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
Whatever good mood he had upon returning from his jog earlier only to find that his wife and closest friends have decided to throw a party for him went down the drain by the time the clock struck twenty-hundred-hours. Yifan had initially planned to forget everything he had been going through in the past week and to immerse himself in the party that evening, but the moment he had locked gazes with none other than Lu Han, everything else suddenly didn't matter anymore.   
  
In retrospect, Yifan wasn't sure why he hadn't expected Yunho and Lu Han to be there at the party. The Jungs have always been close friends with him and Song Qian, before he found out about Yunho's disgusting actions and filed for a request to have him deployed back to the war zone in order to save Lu Han from him. But Song Qian didn't know all of that, nor of the relationship Yifan shared with Lu Han. She didn't have to.  
  
Right now, though, it was draining all of Yifan's self-control to not burst out yelling something he'd regret. Everyone else were merrily enjoying dinner which Song Qian and Lu Han had prepared, but Yifan could only concentrate on not looking at Lu Han. It was plenty difficult, when Lu Han was seated at the tail end of the dining table in Yifan's direct sight. He hadn't seen her in the last two weeks, owing to her sudden decision to cut off all ties with him, and he hadn't realised exactly how much he missed her until now. The urge to pull her into his embrace manifested as a crawl beneath his skin, one that was difficult to resist, slowly but surely driving him insane. Yifan gulped down his mug of beer to banish those thoughts.   
  
That was when Song Qian hit her spoon gently against the side of her champagne flute, calling for everyone's attention. Yifan's vision swam when he looked up, the alcohol in his system beginning to wreak havoc upon his already-ruined concentration.   
  
"I have something else to announce," Song Qian said, beaming widely as she pulled Yifan to stand. Yifan had never wanted so badly to pull away from Song Qian when she laced their fingers together, not wanting Lu Han to think that he was with his wife in this. Yifan's heart still very much belonged to Lu Han; he didn't think anything was going to change that.   
  
It wasn't until the noisy chatter of the guests had quieted down that Song Qian cleared her throat again, and her smile grew even wider. "I am going to be a mother." There was a sort of breathlessness in the way Song Qian said those words – it was in joy, and definitely not in the way Yifan felt a different sort of breathlessness which was almost suffocating. He hadn't even slept with Song Qian ever since the week when he had first been with Lu Han, but it seemed that fate could be very cruel sometimes when people didn't want a certain outcome.   
  
Yifan could only fall back on his chair, dazed, as everyone approached him to shake his hand and congratulate him for the double cause for celebration that evening. He wasn't even sure if they'd noticed how forced his smile was, but if they did, no one was inclined to point out that fact.   
  
One person, though, stayed far away from Yifan throughout the commotion. It wasn't as though Yifan didn't notice it – he did, but Lu Han averted her gaze the moment their eyes met in the crowded dining room, and something told Yifan she  _already_  knew. The moment she went to the garden under the pretense of grilling more meat for everyone, Yifan too took the opportunity to slip out of the house, claiming he had to get some fresh air for himself. It wasn't a complete lie, though; he really did need some space to breathe before he dropped dead from hyperventilation and asphyxiation.   
  
Lu Han invested her full attention on the meat before her, grilling each piece to perfection, that she didn't even notice Yifan had slipped out to join her. She did, however, jump in surprise when Yifan embraced her from behind, gently prying the tongs out of her hand so that he could take over.   
  
"A lady shouldn't be doing this. What would happen if you scalded your hand?" He whispered softly, revelling in the way she shuddered in his arms. He'd missed this; it had been way too long since the last time he'd held her in his arms, yet Yifan was still rendered mesmerised by the way she fitted perfectly against him.   
  
"Lieutenant General, please, you mustn't–" Lu Han squirmed and extracted herself from his hold immediately. Yifan really didn't know what hurt more – her not wanting to be in close contact with him, or the way his hand had slammed against the hot grill, scalding himself when he tried to grab hold of her. One thing became apparent to him at that particular moment, though. Lu Han evidently still cared for him, despite the indifferent front she was putting up, when she surged forward in a moment of panic and held his injured hand in hers, surveying the damage with concerned eyes.   
  
"Why do you keep denying your feelings for me?" Yifan asked, his voice so low that he wasn't sure if Lu Han could hear him through the cheers that came from within the house. "Why are you treating me like a complete stranger, when you said you loved me just weeks ago?"   
  
The only indication that Lu Han had heard him perfectly clearly was the way she let go of his hands like it was hot iron, and she immediately kept her hands close to her chest, as though not trusting herself enough to let them hang by her side. Yifan felt another stab to his chest when she looked away, refusing to meet his gaze even though there wasn't anyone else to witness their exchange.   
  
"You were naïve to have trusted in me, Lieutenant General." Lu Han told him, and Yifan couldn't be sure if the steeliness in her voice was a product of his imagination, or if she truly felt that way. "Please, excuse me."  
  
The moment Lu Han began walking away, Yifan knew by instinct he had to go after her, or everything they had gone through together would fade into oblivion. He could not possibly forget the way she had whispered that  _everything was going to be okay_  against his lips, kissing all his fears and uncertainties away, the way she had slowly come apart under his ministrations, the way they'd fitted so well together, like two missing parts of a puzzle. There was no other person who knew Yifan better than Lu Han, even though it had barely been three months since they'd met.   
  
She had given him the world. She  _was_  his entire world.   
  
Chase after Lu Han Yifan did, tearing through the door and pushing past a drunk pair who was making their way out, his voice rising above the noise of the crowd as he called for her. The alcohol in his system impaired his judgement, making him fail to remember that he was essentially in his own home, that Song Qian could possibly hear everything and find out about his relationship with Lu Han. But at that particular moment, the only thing that Yifan could think about was that he  _couldn't_  lose her.   
  
"Lu Han!" Yifan called out again, and managed to grab hold of her hand with one final sprint. He didn't want to hurt her, but he was too agitated that he couldn't even control his strength as he held Lu Han by her shoulders. "If you really do not love me, then tell it to my face, right now! Don't walk away and leave me notes which can be crafted by anyone at all!"   
  
"Lieutenant General! Please!" The panic was clear in Lu Han's voice as she tried to struggle out of his hold, to no avail. Yifan wasn't about to let her go, unless she made it clear that she wanted to have nothing to do with him.   
  
" _Tell me_! Every single thing we've done, every second we've spent together, do they not mean anything to you?!" The volume of Yifan's voice climbed with every word said, his frustrations getting the better of him.   
  
Yunho decided to cut in at that particular moment, angrily shoving Yifan away from Lu Han. "What are you doing to my wife?!" He yelled, and Yifan would have backed off, if he didn't know about the things Yunho had made Lu Han do. Yunho was the cause for the many tears Lu Han had shed over the few months Yifan had known her, and it was by that knowledge that Yifan was driven to deal Yunho an uppercut.   
  
There was something oddly satisfying, seeing Yunho's bloodied mouth and reddened jaw, even though Yifan knew that he'd fractured several of the bones in his hand from that blow itself. One punch wasn't enough to quell his intense dislike for his subordinate, though, so Yifan moved in for a second punch.   
  
"You have the  _gall_  to still call Han your wife, when you've done nothing but to send her to so many other men's beds like a  _whore_  just to secure your own promotion–" Yifan hissed, turning onto Yunho once again with his fist raised, though he could go no further when Lu Han held him back.   
  
"Yifan,  _please_ , don't do this–" she cried pleadingly, only to gasp aloud when a resounding slap rang through the house, stunning everyone into silence.   
  
In his daze, Yifan turned to see what had happened, only to realise that Lu Han had a hand clutched against her cheek, while Song Qian was standing before her, breathing heavily with hatred and anger in her eyes. One thing connected to the other, before Yifan came to the conclusion that Song Qian had slapped Lu Han.   
  
Song Qian  _knew_. His head spun in a way which was much worse than it had before.   
  
 _Qian_ , Yifan called out weakly, at the same time that Song Qian spoke up in a chillingly calm voice. "I trusted in you," she told Lu Han, her fingers digging into the flesh of her palm. "I rubbished the other girls' claims that you were ruining other families, because I didn't think you were that sort of person. I  _defended_  you, and treated you as a friend – as a sister I never had. And this is how you repay me? By sleeping with my husband? How  _could_  you?"   
  
"Unnie, I'm sorry–" Lu Han cried out, her expressions distraught, and it wasn't one which suited her face.   
  
"And  _you_ –" Song Qian ignored her pleas and turned towards Yifan, still seething from anger. Yifan swallowed hard at the betrayal and disappointment in her eyes. "How dare you take our marriage so lightly? Did you not promise to care for me till death do us part? Are those nothing but lies?"   
  
He wanted to tell her that he had never loved her, not in the past, nor the present, but Yifan thought about her status, and the baby in her stomach, and decided against it. The silence which enveloped the room was almost deafening, with Yifan keeping mum, not wanting to aggravate Song Qian further. Yunho dared not move a muscle either, probably knowing that Yifan wouldn't hesitate to lunge at him and beat the living daylights out of him if he even dared approach Lu Han.   
  
In the end, Song Qian pointed an angry finger towards the door, her poise unwavering as she said – as quietly as it was loud – "Get out. All of you.  _Out_."  
  
None dared to go against her orders.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
The following week after the fiasco at the supposed celebratory party at Yifan's home went past in a flurry of activities – mostly involving Yifan attending tribunal after tribunal. Considering Song Qian's identity as the commander-in-chief's daughter, it was only natural for the man himself to hear of Yifan's infidelity within the next couple of days.   
  
To say that the Marshal was livid was probably the understatement of the century. He'd met Yifan through a private meeting, and if his self-control had wavered towards the end, the man would've pulled his gun out and shot Yifan at point blank.   
  
But Yifan wasn't repentant, not really. He didn't ask for this life, to be married to Song Qian. He didn't exactly have the choice to decline when Marshal Song had put the proposition forth, or he would have been dead many years ago, his talents at commanding an entire fleet be damned. For years he'd been playing the role of a perfect husband, attending to each and every of Song Qian's needs without a single word of complaint, but he no longer wanted a life like that.   
  
Was he in the wrong for wanting to take charge of his life for once? Yifan was sick of being a puppet to the rest.   
  
It was why Yifan wasn't bothered when he'd been told that he was stripped of his rank as Lieutenant General, with a further demotion to the ranks of a Captain. Yifan was only surprised that Marshal Song hadn't evicted him from the army, though he supposed the man wanted to give him a hefty punishment for what Yifan had done to his precious daughter. At such a time and age, there probably wasn't any punishment harsher than being sentenced to returning into the thick of the gunfire.   
  
The only thing that manifested as the heaviness of Yifan's footsteps as he trudged towards the plane was the reluctance to leave Lu Han behind. Yifan had many regrets with regards to that aspect, feeling as though too many things were left unsaid, too many misunderstandings unresolved. Lu Han continued to avoid Yifan after what had happened at the party, probably still tied down by her guilt, and he wasn't sure if she'd seen the note he had left on her doorstep that morning, telling her that nothing was going to change the way he felt about her.   
  
Lu Han would have known that he was being deployed that morning – Yunho had the exact same schedule, though Yifan didn't think she'd have cared for her now ex-husband. She'd filed for divorce the moment the news that Yunho had forced her into sleeping with other men had broken out, shocking the entire army camp for the sheer reason that no one ever filed for divorce back then. The only consolation that came out of it was the fact that Yunho too had been demoted to a mere foot soldier, a punishment meted out for his bribing of the higher-ranked officers. Even though Yifan wanted to see Lu Han for one last time before he returned to the hellhole called Vietnam – there was no saying if he'll be able to make it out alive, having to lead the front as his other comrades had done for him when he was still a Colonel – but there wasn't a single trace of her to be seen on the tarmac, amidst the family members of the other soldiers.   
  
When their commanding officer barked orders for them to  _move the fuck on_  over the roar of the plane's engine and rotor, Yifan heaved another deep sigh and pushed the last of his reluctance to the back of his mind. He adjusted the strap of his knapsack over his shoulder, carrying with him deep-seated regrets and words still left unsaid onto the plane, leaving behind a part of his heart and every good memory he had made with Lu Han on this land.   
  
The way the metal door of the plane slid shut moments later reverberated to the deepest ends of his soul. Lu Han's smiling face remained imprinted at the back of his eyes, and for the first time in a long while, Yifan silently wept.   
  
  


\--

  
  
  
**e p i l o g u e**  
  
  
The seasons flew by without waiting for a single soul, and before they even knew it, the new Spring was already fast approaching its peak, with the flowers in full bloom and the animals coming out of their hibernation. Lu Han would not admit it otherwise, but she'd spent the last three seasons thinking of Yifan, and how her life seemed so empty without him by her side. There was a sense of liberation, though, when Lu Han had cut off all ties with Jung Yunho, thereby releasing herself from a life of slavery and abuse. The mental duress she'd suffered from in the few short years she had been married to Yunho was enough to last her a lifetime.   
  
Yifan on the other hand had shown her an unrivalled sense of loving and care, despite the fact that they'd been together for only a few short months before everything turned into ruins. He had shown Lu Han that all hope wasn't lost, that she still had the opportunity to lead a happy life for once. She'd wept openly on the day he was deployed back to the war field, regretting her decision of not seeing him off at the airbase. Then again, Lu Han didn't quite trust herself to not plead for Yifan's deployment to be withdrawn. It was probably the best course of action, to have stayed home and allowed Yifan to go without any form of hesitation.   
  
She wished he had written to her, however. Not having any form of news to fall back on was as agonising as it could get, much worse than the time when Lu Han had forced herself to avoid Yifan. Every day, she'd hear of tragic deaths and debilitations suffered by the husbands of her neighbours. Each time, she'd pray and pray and pray some more that the same fate wouldn't befall Yifan, that he'd come back with his arms wide open to receive her in his embrace.   
  
At least, she thought, Song Qian didn't have to suffer through this, after having cut off all ties with Yifan herself.   
  
This day, Lu Han found herself rushing towards the administration office, after having heard that there was news she had to receive personally. Her heart leapt – both in exhilaration and trepidation – as she gathered the hem of her skirt, so as to not trip over the fabric as she ran. The first batch of soldiers had returned from Vietnam, she heard along the way, prompting her to grow more excited at the prospect that she might just get her wish of seeing Yifan once again. She ignored the chatter which encroached upon the topic of  _dead soldiers_ , not wanting to dwell upon the negative side of things. Yifan was an excellent fighter, she knew. There was no way he would've suffered from the same fate.   
  
Her optimism paid off – if only partially. Lu Han's joy only lasted for so long when he came out from one of the rooms, looking rather different from how Lu Han had remembered him to be, on the day where everything had crumbled into nothing.   
  
While Yifan was very much alive, which Lu Han was thankful for, she could not stop the tears from welling up in her eyes, blurring her vision. Never in her wildest dreams had Lu Han imagined that she'd see him wheelchair-bound, one of his limbs ending in an ill-fashioned stump where his foot should have been. Lu Han clasped a hand against her mouth as she approached him slowly, still unable to believe what she was seeing. Her heart ached at the sight, mainly because he'd told her countless times about the nightmares which plagued his nights, and his fears of being permanently incapacitated.   
  
She could feel herself shaking terribly as she knelt before him, her trembling hands reaching up to cup his face as the tears continued to fall. Yifan seemed to have snapped out of his daze at her warm touch and glanced at her for a moment, but there was something odd about the way he looked at her – not with love as she had come to know, but with confusion and the lack of recognition.   
  
Fearing the worst, Lu Han turned towards the officer who had wheeled Yifan out, silently asking for an answer. She decided that she didn't like the apologetic look he gave her at all, and the words which left his lips only confirmed her suspicions.   
  
"I offer my sincere apologies, ma'am. He has lost all his memories during the bomb blast which cost him his leg. A terrible cerebral concussion, I was told." The officer said, his mouth pressed into a thin, grim line. Lu Han promptly felt that her heart had stopped working.   
  
It wasn't until five full minutes later that she'd regained her bearings and her voice, her hands never leaving Yifan's face, hoping he could at least recognise her touch. "How– how did you trace him to me, then?" She dared herself to ask, because most people have forgotten that he'd been married to Song Qian once. Song Qian had long since moved on and away from the army camp after finding out about their affair.   
  
"We found this–" He fished something out of his front pocket and handed it over to Lu Han, "–in his stash of private belongings. He has a lot of photos of the two of you together in his possession, and we thought–"  
  
"Thank you." Lu Han interrupted him, swallowing hard and pushing the last of her courage to the surface. It took everything in her not to cry even harder when she turned the objects over, only to realise that it was a Polaroid of them in a lip-lock, taken on the evening of Lu Han's birthday while they were still basking in their post-orgasm bliss, and another photo of them, with their faces smushed together, happy, wide smiles plastered on their faces.   
  
The officer gave her a brief salute when she flashed a grateful smile, though the façade crumbled the moment he turned on his heels to leave. There was no one and nothing to distract her from the fate which befell Yifan now, and again her heart constricted in her chest as she held his calloused hands in hers.   
  
"Yifan," she said softly, not quite trusting her voice to not break just yet. "Do you know where you are?"  
  
A nod. "Korea," he replied, the familiarity of his voice promptly washing over her and caressing her senses, reminding her of the days when they'd spent their afternoons cuddling on the daybed. This time, though, something was missing – his warmth, his overflowing love for her. Nothing to tell her that he still retained even a shred of memory of  _them_.  
  
"Do you–" she swallowed, braving herself for the imminent heartbreak that was about to accompany her question. "Do you remember who I am?"   
  
Lu Han held her breath when he turned a little to look at her –  _really_  look at her, with his eyebrows scrunched in concentration. She could feel her heart stutter hopefully when he reached up to cup her face, a gesture which was no longer foreign to Lu Han, from the sheer amount of times he'd done that when they were together in the past. Lu Han's hand automatically reached up to cover Yifan's, gripping it gently as she smiled at him through her pain.  
  
"I...  _can't_  recall your name–" Yifan said moments later, though Lu Han could hear the frustration in his voice, "–but your face is very familiar. It almost feels like you're someone important to me, but I can't be sure."   
  
Despite the initial disappointment, Lu Han kept the brave smile on her face. Having him recognise her was a good sign; at least his memories of her hadn't faded away completely.  
  
"Do you want me to stay? To help you recover your memories, I mean." Lu Han asked, knowing she had nothing to lose. She'd lost Yifan once, and she wasn't about to let him go for the second time, even when he was in such a state. If God had allowed him to survive that bomb blast, then it was also an opportunity for Lu Han to make amends for what she'd done, for the lies she'd told to make him go away. There was no longer anything to restrict them from being together, and Lu Han was going to make full use of that.   
  
"Would you be willing to?" The way Yifan glanced at her with hope in his lost gaze was enough to take her breath away, and Lu Han nodded firmly, the tears of joy brimming in her eyes. If Yifan had protected her fiercely in the past, Lu Han wanted to step into that role for him, now.   
  
Already Lu Han could hear the gossips forming, and the mocking tone of the people who'd question her sanity in caring for a cripple who couldn't remember much of his own life, especially when they weren't even married. But Lu Han knew by conviction that their relationship was far deeper than that, built on layers upon layers of trust, knowing that the other will be there when they need them. Yifan needed her, she was sure, and with a brand new resolve, she smiled at him and pressed a kiss to the back of his scarred hand again, before standing up and pushing his wheelchair along the hallway.   
  
"Let's go home," she told him, and nothing has ever sounded more right than this to her ears. 


End file.
